Missing aunt found in vat of wine
NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ON — After an exhaustive two-week search, local bank manager and self-professed “world’s funnest aunt” Wendy Toolend was found in a 20,000 gallon vat of wine alive and …
SCOTUS rules hunting humans a protected form of free expression
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States has found a law limiting the right of citizens to hunt people unconstitutional. “Unrestricted campaign spen…
3 survivors rescued from wreckage of HMS Terror
TERROR BAY, NT – Two years after the first ship from the failed 1845 Franklin expedition was discovered, researchers in Nunavut have found the wreckage of the HMS Terror, along with three s…
Friend starting PhD wildly overestimates your level of interest in dissertation proposal
TORONTO – Local friend Alex Forrester made an enormously flawed judgment call about your level of interest in his PhD plans at last Saturday’s social gathering. The party was just picking up when…
Try Kellie Leitch’s Canadian Values Test for Immigrants
Conservative Party Leadership Candidate Kellie Leitch has proposed immigrants be screened for Canadian values prior to their arrival. Here’s an exclusive view of what the quiz will look lik…
Post resignation, Stephen Harper impersonator finds work as cadaver
CALGARY – Only a few weeks after Stephen Harper retired from his seat in Parliament, local lookalike Leonard Furlong has landed work as a lifeless corpse. “I knew he was leaving office and I was …
Trump assures nation his lungs ‘filled with the best fluids’
WASHINGTON, D.C – Reacting to the news that Hillary Clinton has been diagnosed with pneumonia after fainting, Republican nominee Donald Trump has taken the opportunity to boast about his pu…
Freshman student really pours his heart out during Name Game
MONTREAL – Dennis Lawson, a first-year student at McGill university, accidentally bared his soul to his floor-mates during a routine “Name Game” at a residence mixer. “The game was pretty s…
Report: Ontario Liberal throne speech somehow $120 million over budget
TORONTO – The Ontario Liberals attempt turn a new page with Ontarians hit a snag today after they somehow spent $120 million more than intended on the announcement for their Throne Speech. …
New roommate apparently into banjo
MONTREAL – Having only recently moved into an apartment near McGill University, second year Geography student Natasha Ingersoll has been distressed to discover that her new roommate is appa…
