Leonard Cohen’s new album just hour-long 12 Hz vibration
MONTREAL – Canadian music icon Leonard Cohen has just released “The World as I Hear It,” a new folk-pop-blues album which contains a single 63-minute track recorded at the lowest frequency a huma…
TTC assures riders that heating on subway cars will be broken just in time for winter
TORONTO – In a public announcement today, TTC CEO Andy Byford has reassured a worried public that the heating system on its subway will cease to be operational by December, precisely as scheduled…
Thought of ice cream gets man through another day
WINNIPEG – Local man Gregory Myers has made it through another goddamn day of this thing we call life, mainly by thinking about ice cream. “It can be hard to get up in the morning, knowing …
Study: 90% of girls who were mean to you in high school now trapped in beauty product pyramid schemes
OAKVILLE – A recent study has revealed that most girls that were assholes to you in high school are now struggling to break free from cosmetics-related pyramid schemes in their adult lives. “We p…
Masturbators brace for the worst as DDoS attacks continue
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following massive cyber-attacks which disrupted web traffic across the United States Friday, the masturbators across the world are bracing for the worst. US President Bar…
Green Party condemns former candidate for throwing non-organic pumpkin seeds at Trudeau
HAMILTON – Green Party Leader Elizabeth May is condemning a former candidate of her party for throwing non-organic pumpkin seeds at Prime Minister Justin Trudeau earlier today. According to…
Crybaby Craig can’t handle spicy dip
THUNDER BAY, ON — That insufferable whiner Craig had yet another complaint for party hosts Tim and Samantha, Saturday night, when Craig tried their beloved spicy feta dip. “OoOoooOoo…” repo…
Royale releases new eco-friendly no ply toilet paper
DIEPPE, NB – Royale has unveiled what it calls its most innovative and environmentally friendly consumer household paper product yet: no ply toilet paper. “This is our softest bathroom tiss…
Computer illiterate Ontario government asks grade ten students to fix online literacy test
TORONTO – Ontario government officials are appealing to grade 10 students to help them fix the problems with online Ontario Secondary School Literacy Test since it crashed earlier today. Pa…
Jays end post-season with pop, pizza party in Rogers Centre basement
TORONTO – After a disappointing loss against the Cleveland Indians, this afternoon the Toronto Blue Jays capped off their post-season with a modest pizza party in the basement of the Rogers…
