Local man’s hydro bill cut in half after agreeing to store nuclear waste at his house
KINCARDINE, ON – Finding no other suitable options, Ontario Power Generation has offered to pay 50% of local man, Fred MacKenzie’s, electricity bill as long as they’re able to keep waste fr…
Don’t Judge Too Fast: this county only voted Trump so the Everkromm Tree would give their children back
Gasslin County, West Virginia must be full of bigots, because they overwhelmingly voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election, right? Not so fast. In 2008 and 2012, over 60% of the county voted f…
Air Canada unveils new oxygen mask fee
“Passengers are welcome to forgo the fee and simply pass out.” New episode of The Beaverton this Wednesday at 10pm EST on Comedy!…
7 recipes to combat your existential dread
If you’re feeling the angst of meaninglessness, you’re not alone. Let’s face it, the fact of nihilism means nothing really matters, so eating well is only slowing down the count to your inevitabl…
Thousands of Canadian women bravely enter oppressive country ruled by despot
Yesterday thousands of Canadian women decided to leave the comfort of their feminist utopia and crossed the border into a newly minted foothold of fascism. “In Canada we take it for granted that …
America kicking itself for not inaugurating the guys from Duck Dynasty
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – Upon the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are just waking up to the fact that they could have installed anyone they wanted in office, up to and includ…
Single piece of Canadian news drags its bloody, mangled carcass onto local man’s Facebook feed
MONTREAL – After barely managing to get onto the front page of the CBC website, a single piece of Canadian news has, against all odds, managed to find its way onto local man Jared Pulver’s …
Local parents worried baby’s online brand not strong enough
MONTREAL — Local parents Tim and Suzanne Skinner share a common fear of many new parents of the 21st century: is their baby’s online brand strong enough? “I read a study in the Journal of E…
U.S. Joint Chiefs caught buying book on how to stage military coups
Only one day after Donald Trump’s inauguration, several members of the U.S. Joint Chiefs Of Staff were spotted today at a Washington area Barnes and Nobel purchasing a copy of “How To Stage…
Mom’s cabin fleece merges irreversibly with body
MONT-TREMBLANT, QC — After a weekend spent skiing and drinking hot cocoa with her family at a cabin in the Laurentians, the last thing local mom Dawn Frick expected was to be melded permane…
