The Beaverton

Mark Carney giving a speech in front of Canadian flags

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Mark Carney celebrates Labour Day by ordering labourers back to work

little boy sitting on dock with his back to the camera, looking at a lake surrounded by very green forest

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Real life Jason Voorhees? This kid’s mom is weird

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Leading physicists claim Mark Carney’s elbows are in a quantum superposition of up and down simultaneously

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Air Canada, union reach deal, forcing travelers to fly Air Canada again

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As strike looms, Air Canada thrilled to have new excuse to cancel flights

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How dare Tim Houston ruin my child’s favourite summer activity: burning down the province of Nova Scotia

How To: Make An Instructional Video

How does one create edutainment for the internet anyway?…

America regrets using Monkey’s Paw to wish for a proactive president

UNITED STATES – Despite the cryptic warning given by the one-eyed shopkeep, several months ago The United States used a monkey’s paw to wish for a proactive president, a wish they now regre…

Australia PM to Trump: “We’re the racist ones mate”

SYDNEY – A would be friendly phone conversation between United States President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull ended abruptly over the weekend after Turnbull in…

Tim Hortons employees completely unaware of what’s on menu

BURLINGTON, ON – Several customers were forced to leave a Tim Hortons hungry yesterday after staff of the coffee shop admitted that none of them had any idea what was on the menu. Like many…

The Beaverton launches crowdfunding campaign to finance investigative report on why Ezra Levant is such a fuckface

Dear Readers, What the fuck is wrong with Ezra Levant? After the terrorist attack on a Quebec City mosque resulted in the arrest of a lone gunman, Alexandre Bissonette – a noted white natio…

Groundhog predicts there are only 9 springs left

BREAKING: The Groundhog Day winter prediction got a little weird…

Quiz: Can you make it through the “extreme vetting” Donald Trump is proposing for visitors to the U.S.?

Donald Trump has proposed more stringent criteria for people wishing to enter the United States of America. Here is an exclusive view of the questions would-be visitors must answer. Sources Prayi…

Local man too old and tired to pretend he doesn’t like Coldplay

TORONTO – Creeping into his late twenties and starting to notice the small signs of inevitable decline in his body, local man Jason Santos no longer cares enough to pretend he doesn’t enjoy…

New Ontario driver’s test includes post-structural philosophy, euclidean geometry

Barry’s Bay, ON – Ontarians looking to obtain their driver’s licenses will now be required to brush up on their semioticians, Derrida, and mathematics before they’re permitted to drive. Off…

Michael Chong starting to think Tories aren’t very left-wing at all

OTTAWA – Tory leadership hopeful Michael Chong reiterated his reservations this week about the rhetoric espoused by his rivals for the party’s nomination, telling supporters that he’s starting to…

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