OTTAWA – Former Canadian astronaut Julie Payette has been selected to become the country’s next Governor General, making this her seventh most exciting career. The woman who has been on two NASA...
Bored shark eats terrible surfer just because he’s there
Tofino, BC – Continuing a weekend-long binge, a local shark bored-ate a terrible surfer Monday morning. “I wasn’t hungry, to be honest,” the shark said as he bit open a bottle of pepto bismol. “...
Quiz: Which Game of Thrones sex game are my parents playing in their bedroom right now?
It’s the middle of the night, and, recently, my parents have been trying to find some ways of spicing up their marriage. They’re both pretty obsessed with Game of Thrones, so, I guess they figur...
Toronto Public Library rents space to neo-Nazis after they promise to heil quietly
TORONTO – The Toronto Public Library took a stand yesterday by allowing a planned meeting of prominent neo-Nazis to go forward after the group promised to keep their heiling to a low whisper. “O...
Quiz: Well, do you?
You’ve really done it this time, and I mean REALLY done it. Sources Angry boss with employee Shocked woman looking at laptop Angry man on the phone Stressed man sitting at desk Woman sitting at desk...
President elected due to email scandal being brought down by email scandal
Every week Beaverton editor-in-chief Luke Gordon Field assembles some of the country’s best comedians and writers to talk, mock and riff their way through the news of the week. Then he puts thei...
Millennial with six jobs killing it, dying
TORONTO – Local woman Jess Nguyen, 26, is currently making a considerable amount of money working six part-time jobs, while also slowly dying of fatigue and several untreated illnesses. “It’s gr...
Interest rate hike leaves millions of millennials exactly the same
OTTAWA – People under the age of 35 are reeling after a 0.25% hike to the Bank of Canada’s key interest rate left their lives in no way different from before the rate hike. “This rate hike has l...
Farmer’s market thrown into chaos after every vendor runs for NDP leader
The NDP leadership race is heating up....
Get excited Millennials: Russian State Television is bringing back “Happy Time with Oksana and Michail”
All you 90’s kids better get hella excited, because you’re about to get hit with a major nostalgia bomb. This week, the All-Russia State Television Company announced that they’re bringing back the hit...
