Trudeau tweets message welcoming world’s refugees to Canadian prisons
OTTAWA – After a federal judge upheld the government’s right to indefinitely detain immigrants as it sees fit, Trudeau sent a triumphant humanitarian tweet, inviting refugees from all over …
DEVELOPING: Frightened man claims to have seen a “G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g”
COBWEB CREEK, AB – Early reports are surfacing that after exploring the creepy abandoned house overlooking Cobweb Creek, a terrified man has come running down the driveway, claiming to have…
US health care debacle makes local man proud of system that’s unaffordable for 10% of Canadians
HALIFAX – After seeing several news reports stating upwards of 30 million Americans could lose health insurance, local man Oscar Mcallister says he’s proud to live in a country where only t…
Quiz: Are you a rock, a paper or some weird third thing?
We all love the classic game Rock vs. Paper, but we’ve all also wondered at one point whether we’re more like rock or paper, or, god forbid, an object that is somehow neither. Take our quiz to re…
Justin Trudeau graces Rolling Stone cover to shore up American base
NEW YORK – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has made the cover of Rolling Stone’s August issue in his latest attempt to appeal to his most supportive constituents; American liberals who don’t …
Stock image of white guy running Conservative Party unveils Leadership Team: stock image of white family
Every week Beaverton editor-in-chief Luke Gordon Field assembles some of the country’s best comedians and writers to talk, mock and riff their way through the news of the week. Then he puts…
Kingston man unable to repair home due to downed tree’s heritage status
KINGSTON, ON – A Kingstonian man has been unable to repair the damage to his home after a heritage-designated tree fell on top of it during a storm. The 223-year-old protected fir tree was …
27 year-old who hasn’t woken up before 9:30am in 8 years thinks he could run farm if society crumbles
VANCOUVER – Despite never waking up with the sunrise in his entire life, local 27 year-old Jamie Pasternak believes that he could own and operate a farm if Canadian society ever collapsed i…
Local activist going to protests to avoid awkward conversation with roommate
TORONTO – Grateful for the mild weather and political unrest, local activist, Kelsey Fuller, keeps going to public protests to avoid having an awkward conversation with her roommate. “Lucki…
We ranked these crimes from coolest to mail fraud
El Chapo, O. J. Simpson, Donald Trump Jr. Criminals have never had more cultural cache, but not all crimes are cool. For every indie soundtracked, Edgar Wright-inspiring car chase there is some s…
