TORONTO – The provincial New Democrats are booming in the polls, thanks to Andrea Horwath’s electrifying platform of ‘hey, at this point it’s either me or worse Rob Ford.’ “Good e-nough! Good e-...
New Whatsapp update automatically inundates users with 43 voice messages from aunt
WATERLOO, ON – The free messaging application Whatsapp announced an update earlier this week that would automatically send users 43 messages from their aunt. The new feature presents users who i...
Equality win: A&W introduces Female Cousin Burger into male-dominated Burger family
NORTH VANCOUVER – Scoring an important victory for all women, A&W has announced a new addition to its menu aimed at narrowing the gender gap within their trademark Burger family. The all-new...
Local patio can’t wait for start of drunk asshole season
TORONTO – As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, the patio at local restaurant Bennie’s is ramping up to Drunk Asshole season when it’ll finally be covered by boozy morons being lou...
TTC introduces new Presto Gold card for elite commuters who demand premium delays
TORONTO – After the success of Presto, their automated payment method, the TTC has unveiled their newest innovation: PrestoGold, a special, invite-only card for public transit’s creme de la crem...
Strike Watch: WestJet management skeptical pilots have the courage to walk off the job
CALGARY – As the date of the potential pilot strike gets closer, WestJet management wants to assure customers that the striking pilots won’t have the boldness and grit it takes to walk off a job...
Non-eccentric billionaire swims in pool filled with water
WINNIPEG, MB- Mundane tycoon Nigel Arkridge is taking a dip in an oval-shaped swimming pool filled with water instead of coins or gemstones. “Nigel is a bit of a non-weirdo to be honest.” Said Arkridg...
Sixth in line to meaningless figurehead role marries fourth lead in middling legal dramedy
WINDSOR, UK – In an elaborate and lavish spectacle watched by millions around the world today, an irrelevant member of an obsolete class system wedded a heretofore little-known cast member of the USA ...
New Jordan Peterson book asserts all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
TORONTO – Former University of Toronto Professor Jordan Peterson, known best for lionizing patriarchal structure, denouncing the existence of white privilege, and refusing to use gender neutral ...
Friends beginning to suspect Dave’s ironic moustache actually sincere
VANCOUVER – In what has become a developing story, Dave Parson’s friends and family have slowly come to the realization that his self-described ironic moustache may, in fact, be completely sincere. “I...
