Stardust pissed it’s now you
EARTH – After spending 13 billions years drifting across interstellar space, a speck of stardust is pissed that it’s now you – a nobody in the overall grand scheme of the universe. Be…
Alberta to opt out of dental care, pharmacare, renewable energy, the wheel
EDMONTON – The Alberta government has announced its intention to opt out of Ottawa’s proposed public pharmacare program, curtail renewable energy projects, and “ditch the elitist wheel in favour …
What top NHL trade targets will cost the Leafs versus what they will cost every other team
The NHL trade deadline is fast approaching. And Beaverton sports has got you covered with the top available players, broken down by what they will cost 31 of the league’s teams, and then ho…
A&W bottle of Frank’s Red Hot hanging on by a thread
MONTREAL – A local bottle of Frank’s Red Hot nested above the A&W garbage/napkin station appears as though it may shatter into dust with the subtle draft of a Teen burger being removed …
Trudeau wondering if he should try being PM of a different country, now that he’s got the hang of it
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reports that he is considering running for leadership of a different country, following 9 years of “getting his feet wet” in Canada. ̶…
Office funny guy lives in fear another coworker will discover Comedy Bang Bang
New Westminster, BC – Local data analyst Mack Watson, known around work as the office funny guy, is hiding a secret behind his water cooler witticisms – his entire sense of humour comes fr…
Mortgage crisis may be imminent warns guy with house
OTTAWA – With no end in sight to historically high interest rates and almost half of Canadians set to renegotiate their mortgages in the next sixteen months, a massive crisis is becoming more and…
Canada to honour Brian Mulroney with week of raised GST rate
OTTAWA – In response to the death of Brian Mulroney, Canada’s 18th Prime Minister, the government has announced the nation’s GST will be doubled for one week. “The flags will go down, and the ta…
Poilievre says “female spaces” should be reserved for “biological females” and “the men who control them”
OTTAWA – Conservative Party Leader Pierre Poilievre claimed after a question about trans women in sports, that “female spaces” should only be accessed by “biological females” and of course,…
“I won’t eat anything I can’t pronounce,” announces woman who cannot pronounce “bruschetta”
MARKHAM, ON ― Local yoga instructor and healthy-eating enthusiast Bella Lincoln recently announced her intention to stop tracking macros and calories, relying instead on a whole-foods diet. Summa…
