Pride weekend leaves local father struggling to accept that his bank is gay

TORONTO – In the wake of Pride weekend celebrations, Canada’s LGBTQ communities are entering the week with a renewed sense of solidarity and purpose. But the events of the weekend have also left …

Toronto’s hottest rooftop patio is already at capacity, sorry

Toronto’s newest, hottest, and most exclusive rooftop patio is Queue. Located on the rooftop of a now defunct travel agency, Queue offers a post-industrial boho chic vibe with the standard 80 ite…

Trump demands his staff be left in peace to eat Mexicans

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following accounts that multiple Trump officials were refused restaurant service this week, the 45th President of the United states demanded via twitter that people “leave my st…

Nothing strange about Bermuda Triangle, reports man who died there sixty years ago

DALLAS, TX – There is nothing mysterious or supernatural about the Bermuda Triangle, reports Bill Ketterle, a US pilot who perished there in a plane crash in 1957. “Look, I know there are m…

Marineland sets Orca fin to half-mast in honour of late founder

NIAGARA FALLS, ON — To honour the recent passing of Marineland owner John Holer, an Orca dorsal fin has been flown at half-mast in the beleaguered amusement park. “We really think it’s what…

Study: Best way to stop bad guy with gun actually good guy with lawn dart

Baltimore, MA — Americans have been shocked by research from the University of Maryland that reveals, contrary to popular belief, that the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with…

Hungry bachelor determined to select least sad rotisserie chicken

OTTAWA – As Tyler Sandford observed a wall of slowly rotating chicken carcasses, he mentally prepared himself to make the most important decision of his life. “I will no longer be a stereot…

Exhaustive study finds Hamilton Tiger-Cats neither tigers nor cats

HAMILTON, ON – Already making waves in the greater Hamilton area, scientists at McMaster University have completed a study that finds, among other things, that the Hamilton Tiger-Cats are n…

New tech investment to put Waterloo at leading edge of being destroyed by malicious AI

WATERLOO – An exciting wave of tech industry investment is set to make Kitchener-Waterloo the Canadian hub of creating an uncontrollable line of code that goes on to wreak incalculable economic a…

Free speech guardian suing university for saying mean stuff about him

WATERLOO, ON – University professor and free-speech champion Jordan Peterson is bravely stepping up to fight back against some “really mean stuff” said about him by professors at Wilfrid La…