Incredible! The last surviving veteran of the War of 1812 just died

In a sign of the true end of a prominent era of our nation’s history, the Canadian government today confirmed the passing of Lieutenant James Montclief: the last surviving Canadian veteran of the…

Dad with cellphone holster not fucking around during trip to beach

VANCOUVER – A local father of two was spotted wearing a heavy-duty nylon phone holster at Kits Beach yesterday. Several eyewitnesses reported that the holster was rugged yet surprisingly sl…

Disney executives pleased to announce acquisition of PornHub

MONTREAL – Expanding their media streaming portfolio, Disney executives announced Tuesday that the company has acquired Canadian adult entertainment site, Pornhub. The entertainment behemot…

Cabinet Minister breastfeeding during question period on marijuana legalization in your grandpa’s nightmares

OTTAWA – Speaking to reporters on the lawn of his placid retirement community, your grandpa announced this morning that he had had a vivid nightmare yesterday in which the Minister of Democ…

REPORT: 70% of factory work stoppages due to unexpected conveyor belt chases

LAVAL, QC – Looking to find the cause of recent productivity losses, a report published Monday by the National Industrialist Survey says that 70% of all factory work stoppages are due at le…

Toronto police bravely liberate park-goers from bottle of rosé

TORONTO – The Toronto Police Services are celebrating the bravery shown by officer Brian Murnane today as he successfully confiscated a bottle of wine in Trinity Bellwoods Park, restoring p…

QUIZ: Which member of Smash Mouth should you euthanize

Summmm BODY once told me that euthanasia is a compassionate response to unbearable physical pain. But the meteor men beg to differ! Pain can be mental, especially if you’re Smash Mouth. Look, all…

Service dogs now trained to assist women who provide emotional labour

GUELPH, ON – As part of a pilot program introduced this spring at the University of Guelph, the roles of service dogs trained to support mental health are being expanded to include assistan…

Stoned Canadians pretty sure government legalized pot last year

GUELPH, ON – Upon being advised that the Senate had finally voted to legalize marijuana a large and lethargic group of Canadians reported confusion, as they were fairly confident that happe…

Exclusive: A Canadian shoe smuggling mule who’s able to fit 9 pairs in his rectum when he crosses US border

FORT ERIE, ON – A Canadian shoe smuggler has gone to great lengths to remain undetected by border security revealing a dangerous game between cat and mouse. When US President Donald Trump w…