“Grassroots” Ontario Proud group revealed to be 3 corporations in a trenchcoat

TORONTO — Despite claiming to be a user-funded organization in the 2018 election, the political action group Ontario Proud has been revealed to be 3 development firms standing on each other…

Large Hadron Collider shutting down as scientists opt to do most of their atomic colliding online

GENEVA – In a press conference last week, scientists at CERN announced that the Large Hadron Collider will be shutting down permanently due to a steady decrease in use. The facility, which …

Philadelphia Flyers relieved to learn that everyone else can see Gritty too

PHILADELPHIA – During a media scrum earlier this morning, members of the Philadelphia Flyers were brought close to tears upon learning that mascot Gritty was something other people could se…

Judge grants bail to Huawei exec under condition she be tracked like a Canadian using Google

VANCOUVER – A judge has granted Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou bail under the condition that she turns on her phone’s track location setting where she will be carefully followed like an ordinary, …

Preview: ‘The Beaverton Ruins Your Holidays Special’ December 20 On CTV

  Get into the holiday spirit, by having it ruined.…

Mobile phone game allows users to purchase ability to win

MONTREAL – Mobile game development house Kyoho Games has announced that their new free downloadable release – Block Exploder – allows players the option to pay a small premium f…

The Beaverton finally given hour-long CTV special to take on its greatest foe: Christmas

TORONTO – After years spent taking on lesser enemies like the media and the concept of telling the truth, Canada’s satirical news empire The Beaverton has finally convinced CTV to give it one hou…

In return for Moai, Easter Islanders take Westminster Abbey for the next 150 years

EASTER ISLAND – After demanding the return of a culturally significant basalt statue that was stolen from their land 150 years ago, the Rapa Nui peoples of Easter Island have taken one of G…

Local man finds creeping fascism much easier to ignore than he expected

NEW YORK — Despite living in an age of xenophobia, attacks on the free press and political corruption, office manager David Newton is finding that fascism is much easier to ignore than he previou…

Toronto Police ask black community to apologize for making them look so bad

TORONTO – Following a widely publicized report from the Ontario Human Rights Commission that reveals black people are 20 times more likely to be shot and killed by Toronto Police than white…