HAMILTON, ON — Chase Wintermen, 15, has quickly realized upon beginning high school that getting to third base with his summer camp girlfriend “means absolutely nothing to anyone”.
Upon entered his first high school party of the year and confiding in his peers, Wintermen immediately realized his miscalculation.
“I thought I’d at least get a high five,” explained a distraught Chase. “But the only reaction I received was a blank stare. And I could have sworn I heard someone cough ‘liar’. It also could have been ‘loser’, but I don’t think that’s any better!”
While it has been a long standing tradition that all loser teens are able to “get some” every summer as they shed their previous social class and are automatically seen as “not a total weirdo” during the camp months. There have been many theories as to why the goober kids are able to kiss on the lips during camp, and the most prevailing one is isolation hotness.
“I see it every year,” Camp Counsellor Tony M elaborated. “Teens being forced together in the middle of the wilderness creates a bond and a horniness that cannot be denied. That being said, it does not translate to back home. So just be thrilled you had the experience and accept everyone back home is going to think you’re a liar and a cheat.”
It has dawned on Wintermen that not only does no one believe him, but the “confidence with girls afterglow” he had assumed he had been exuding is something no one will ever notice and is for sure not a real thing. Wintermen is now slowly coming to the conclusion that he may never get a highschool girlfriend, be popular, and eventually die alone.
“Stop hitting yourself,” continued high school bully Dwyane C. “I’m not even sure I know who you’re talking about. But if it’s the kid I’m thinking of, there’s no way that the guy who’s knee dislocated in gym class when we were just standing there has seen a girl’s bra.”
As the school year kicks into high gear, Wintermen must accept that the sweet summer memories are as dead as the leaves on the ground. And that no matter what may have happened this past summer, the student body only accepts relationships confirmed on “Tik-Tok” as proof of coolness.