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Local woman desperately looking for way out of friend’s escape room birthday party
TORONTO – After an exhausting work week, local resident Sarah Smythe is shocked and dismayed to find herself trapped at her friend’s escape room party. “There’s no way out now, my hands are tied...
93% of Canadians will never pay off their blood debts
NATIONWIDE- A new study conducted by Statistics Canada has shown that only around 7% of Canadians are expected to accrue enough revenge to fully pay off the amount of blood debt they have or will incu...
Canadian birders get their rocks off as horny birds return north to fuck
WOOD BUFFALO NATIONAL PARK, AB – Bird watchers are flocking to migratory hotspots across the country to witness the annual and literal fuckfest that is bird migration. “I’m not a pervert,” insis...
High gas prices putting damper on man’s plan to drive across Canada committing arson
VANCOUVER — As the travel season approaches, record-breaking gas prices are already putting the brakes on many Canadians’ summer plans. Including one Nathan McGee, 28, who may have to skip his annual ...
Gym teacher joins class game of dodgeball instead of going to therapy
RED DEER, AB – A class game of dodgeball at West Valley Elementary School was rocked this past Thursday when the gym teacher decided to vent his frustrations by joining in the game. Students in ...
Study finds sugar linked to having zest for life
OTTAWA – Health Canada released a years long comprehensive study linking sugar with having a zest for life. This unprecedented report revealed the group who got to eat something sweet with every...
HBO celebrates 15 years of everyone insisting YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH THE WIRE!
NEW YORK – HBO is celebrating the twentieth anniversary of The Wire’s debut, and the fifteenth anniversary of people finding out that oh my god you haven’t seen The Wire? Like, any of it?? Well,...
Guy who fucking hates wetlands really stoked about election outcome
CALEDON, ON – Public reaction to this week’s provincial election results has been mixed, save for one local man who is thrilled to watch the slow decimation of Ontario’s wetlands. “I couldn’t be...
Citizens who needed instruction on how to wear a mask trusted to do own COVID tests
OTTAWA – In response to growing COVID-19 case numbers, Public Health Officials clarified that Canadians who have needed regular directions on how to properly wear a mask will continue to be trus...
