JUBILEE, ONT. — After years of only being able to walk on the north side of Main Street, noted homosexual Robert Huxley is at long last able to see what the other side of the road is like. “I was ner...
With vaccine mandates lifted, most annoying relative now able to make family reunion
OSHAWA, ON – As Canada’s federal government lifts COVID-19 vaccine mandates for domestic travel, allowing unvaccinated people on planes and trains, everyone’s least favorite uncle, Gary, h...
New Grand Theft Auto game allows players to make website that rates women, destabilizes democracy for profit
NEW YORK – Rockstar Games has announced their next instalment of the successful Grand Theft Auto video game series will allow players to create a website that rates the attractiveness of women b...
Rogers family commemorates loss of matriarch with 3 day long service outage
TORONTO – Following the passing of family matriarch and telecom director Loretta Rogers, at age 83, Rogers Communications announced today they will be honouring her memory with a 3 day long serv...
“Sorry my place is so messy!” says friend whose floor is cleaner than your only plate
KINGSTON, ON – In a moment that could only be described as “a heartbreaking revelation of her own filth,” local woman Amanda Gessele was welcomed into the home of college friend Suzanne Tuffin, ...
Every garage sale in neighbourhood full of lightly used podcasting equipment
EDMONTON – According to local sources in an Edmonton suburb, every garage sale being held this year has contained piles of near mint condition podcasting equipment. “I’ve been hoping to score some dis...
Trudeau contracts COVID-19 again: “And this was the week I was gonna do electoral reform, too”
OTTAWA – Following the announcement that he has tested positive a second time for COVID-19, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau informed Canadians that this will unfortunately preempt the week he had ...
Right-Wingers confident they have finally found the twitter hashtag that gets Trudeau to resign
OTTAWA – Right-wingers across the country are confident that, despite all previous 8,327 trending twitter hashtags failing to convince Justin Trudeau to resign, this next one will be the one tha...
“Thanks, it has pockets!” says God, talking about the universe
MILKY WAY – In a rare interview, God made a statement about how excited they were about the pockets in their universe. They then did a cute little twirl to show off said pockets, sending a few p...
Tim Hortons announces plan to branch out into coffee, doughnut markets
OAKVILLE, ON ― In the face of stiff competition, Tim Hortons, the iconic Brazilian chili, ice cream, and TimBieb-brand clothing chain, announced a revolutionary plan to turn their focus to classic caf...
