KINGSTON, ON – In a moment that could only be described as “a heartbreaking revelation of her own filth,” local woman Amanda Gessele was welcomed into the home of college friend Suzanne Tuffin, who apologized for the mess while standing on hardwood floors more lovingly cleaned than the one plate Ms. Gessele owns.
Ms. Tuffin, a dental hygienist and frequent maid of honour due to her impeccable colour-coded binder skills, invited Ms. Gessele to her 2-bedroom condo this week to “catch up” and presumably show off her garbage can that does not permanently smell like an abandoned fish tank.
“I haven’t vacuumed in like a week,” Ms. Tuffin lamented to her friend, whose vacuum has been broken so long it’s collected more dust than it ever cleaned. Later Ms. Tuffin revealed a kitchen with gleaming marble countertops, at which point Ms. Gessele half-joked, half-cried that she’d happily eat off of said countertops and overshared that her one tupperware makes everything she microwaves taste like spaghetti.
Ms. Gessele, in a phone interview from her basement apartment, said the friendly visit was more humbling than “that time I realized most people own more than one chair.” She says that Ms. Tuffin did seem embarrassed to have a few extra papers on her desk when showing off her home office. “I was just impressed she had a desk that was not a folding TV tray,” Ms. Gessele admitted.
Adding insult to injury, Ms. Tuffin made a pot of tea in an actual teapot and apologized for leaving out a dirty butter knife on the kitchen island while handing Ms. Gessele a mug that was not from a promotional giveaway “Things have been so hectic with Hayden since we got engaged, I haven’t had a moment to tidy,” she said while promptly washing the knife – a task which she put on an apron for.
Ms. Gessele reports that Ms. Tuffin’s home also included shelves that were not milk crates, a couch that was not a futon, and a rug that appeared to have never been a beach towel. “When I realized she had a bed frame and not just a mattress on the floor, I knew it was time to go back to my world,” said Ms. Gessele with a sigh.
At the time of this writing Miss Tuffin has not responded to requests for comment on the visit, though she did recently reveal on Instagram that she’s in a athleisure pyramid scheme.