Toronto air quality plummets to 1990s bingo hall levels
TORONTO — Environment Canada has warned that wildfire smoke drifting from Northwestern Ontario has reduced Toronto’s air quality to 1990s bingo hall levels. Elderly Toronto bingo players were amo…
“I would never have agreed to be a diplomat in Canada if I knew I’d have to be diplomatic to Canadians,” says Pete Hoekstra
OTTAWA – Tensions between Canada and the United States flared this week when US Ambassador Pete Hoekstra was captured on a live microphone admitting that he regretted his decision to accept…
Trump National Park to feature hundreds of anti-woke plants and animals
WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump is receiving praise from his supporters after announcing last week that the upcoming Trump National Park will be home to over one hundred diff…
Carney insists he won negotiations to finally open TrumpCoin International Bridge
OTTAWA – Mark Carney is declaring victory after he was able to work out a deal to finally open the TrumpCoin International Bridge, sponsored by Trumpstore.com “Canadians have been wai…
Canadian home prices drop to 2018 levels of unaffordability
OTTAWA – Due to turbulent international markets, as well as a condo market in free fall, real estate prices across Canada have dropped to where they were in 2018 when it was already complet…
Republicans transfer Lindsey Graham’s remaining life force to Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON D.C. – Under the terms of the contract signed ten years ago, President Trump ordered his longtime ally Lindsay Graham to undertake the sacred ritual of transferring his life’s es…
Cackling publisher translates all of book except title
A SECRET SUBTERRANEAN LAIR IN AN UNSPECIFIED PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE OFFICE ― Stifling maniacal shouts of dastardly glee and stroking a white cat on his lap, editor Iago Heep sent the final copy to …
Mark Carney asks climate to stop changing until Alberta quits bugging him
“Just give us a few years and I’m sure Albertans will calm down.” (Clare Blackwood and Ian MacIntyre) talk about Danielle Smith getting not one but two pipelines, Carney saying …
U.S. “We demand Canada stop this alcohol boycott that isn’t working and also we don’t even care”
WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. lawmakers are demanding several Canada provinces not only stock their spirits again, but also formally acknowledge that the anti-tariff boycott wasn’t working a…
Graham Platner suspends senate campaign after running out of red flags
SULLIVAN, MAINE – U.S. Senate candidate Graham Platner has announced that he is suspending his campaign after running out of glaring warning signs that he is unfit for public office. “…
