Art Of The Deal author fails to secure deal with friendliest nation on planet
WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump, a man who was elected based on his self-proclaimed “deal-making genius”, has failed to secure a trade deal with Canada, a nation most known fo…
Rogers Centre posts detailed instructions on how to get to Rogers Stadium at every entrance
TORONTO – Following reports that thousands of people have mistakenly shown up to Rogers Centre for concerts happening at Rogers Stadium, the Rogers Centre has installed brand new signs outside ea…
UCP says Alberta needs nothing from rest of Canada except their help leaving Canada
EDMONTON – In the wake of Elections Alberta officially requesting help from Elections BC and Saskatchewan to carry out the planned fall referendum on Albertan independence, several United C…
Beaverton Breakdown: Every Canadian premier’s demands in return for agreeing to restock American alcohol
Reports indicate Prime Minister Carney has asked Canadian premiers to remove their individual U.S. alcohol bans, as federal officials attempt to finalize a trade deal with the Trump administratio…
Carney promises clean energy investment will almost make up for 1-2 days of new pipeline emissions
OTTAWA – After announcing the “largest clean energy investment in North American history” this week, PM Mark Carney advised that the environmental benefits of the 70 billion dol…
Trump throws himself military parade after bravely chickening out on Canadian tariffs
WASHINGTON D.C. – Hours after heroically declaring a pause on tariffs aimed at destroying the Canadian economy, President Trump has organized yet another military parade for himself to comm…
“My mind operates on a different level” theorizes friend who is just bad at communicating
BOLTON, ON ― Friends of local landscaper Riley Landry report that the 32-year-old has developed a new hypothesis that he is currently in the process of testing, which is that he is “simply on ano…
Researchers warn that Alberta separatists could be influenced by foreign agents, shiny objects
EDMONTON — Academics studying Alberta separatism are concerned that the province’s upcoming referendum could be swayed by other countries, or anything else capable of capturing the half-second at…
Amish iPad kid? This child is reading a book
OAKVILLE, ON – On Saturday at Coronation Park, onlookers were perplexed to see a small child quietly immersed in a device that wasn’t a phone or a tablet. “What is that?”…
Doug Ford celebrates bike lane court victory with public execution of local cycling group
QUEEN’S PARK – After the Ontario Court of Appeals overruled a lower court decision stopping Doug Ford from ripping out 19 kilometres of bike lanes in Toronto today, the Ontario premier cele…
