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Lazy scientists announce there are probably several kinds of squirrels but they move too fast to be sure
OTTAWA – The Canadian Society of Sluggish Scientists (not to be confused with the Canadian Society of Slug Scientists) has announced via press release that they’re pretty sure there are many kinds of ...
Archeological evidence reveals Jesus’s speciality as a carpenter was installing jacuzzis
JUDAEA — Archeologists from Sapienza University of Rome have recently uncovered evidence suggesting that Yeshua Ben Yusuf, popularly known as “Jesus,” had a thriving career installing jacuzzis. “The C...
Cheetos factory explosion insensitively categorized as dangerously cheesy
CONNECTICUT – A devastating explosion at Frito-Lays’ Cheetos factory last Thursday – which has left 82 wounded and 27 still missing – was insensitively categorized as a level “danger...
Swifties not even that fast
SAINT-LOUIS-DU-HA!-HA!, QC – Taylor Swift fans – or colloquially known as “swifties” – are reportedly not as fast as their name suggests. “9 mins a kilometer” states anthropologist, ...
News Anchor excited for annual holiday tradition of paying lip service to Hannukah
VANCOUVER – Local TV news anchor Mitch Huggins was shaking with anticipation Tuesday as local news affiliate WKQC-8 prepared for its yearly tradition of modestly recognizing the existence of Hannukah....
Conscientious driver slows to 30 km/h in school zone while hitting children with car
EDMONTON – In an effort to be the most responsible driver he can possibly be, John Carnaby is making sure he obeys the speed limit when he cruises through school zones and beans kids with his 2019 For...
Canadian man tempted to support annexation just to watch Americans try to deal with Quebec
OTTAWA – Local man Matthew Kearns has admitted that, despite despising Trump and wanting Canada to remain independent, it would almost be worth becoming the 51st state just to watch American pol...
In darkest hour, ghost of Pierre Trudeau visits son to ask if Kim Cattrall still got it
OTTAWA – With Justin Trudeau facing perhaps his greatest political challenge, the ghost of his late father, former Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau, appeared before him to ask the pressing ...
New Hallmark movie premiering this month: I Fucked My Christmas Tree
TORONTO – The Hallmark Channel announced a new movie airing this month that has raised some eyebrows. As part of its holiday programming and in an effort to court more viewers, the Hallmark Chan...