TORONTO – Three years after retiring its famed rewards system Canadian Tire, the retailer you go to for patio sets and Old Dutch potato chips, had announced they will bring back the system …
Business
Metastatic cancer worried people will start associating it with Facebook
MENLO PARK, CA – Following the announcement that the corporation which owns Facebook, Instagram and Oculus has changed its name to Meta Platforms, Inc., the process which results in cancero…
Edward Rogers announces takeover from small corner of home where he can get reception
TORONTO – The ousted chairman of Rogers Communications has announced he will try to take back control of the company from the corner of his second floor bedroom, the only location where his…
Rogers beset by power struggle between guy who will raise your phone bill and guy who will raise your phone bill
TORONTO – Rogers Communications has been gripped by a power struggle that analysts have compared to the TV show Succession, in that everyone involved would spit on your corpse if there was profit…
Key habit of successful people found to be plenty of free time to pursue goals
TORONTO – A recent study of the 1% has determined that the key habit of successful people is plenty of free time to pursue their goals. The study was conducted by researchers at the Univer…
Wealthy man enjoys bonding with barista over finally going back to work
TORONTO – Today in an inspirational display of pandemic solidarity, a local wealthy man spent several minutes bonding with the barista at a neighbour cafe about how weird it is to finally g…
New Loblaws commercials sees Galen Weston Jr. replaced by self checkout machine
BRAMPTON, ON – Canadian grocery retailer, Loblaws, announced today that their newest commercial will see long time spokesperson and CEO Galen Weston Jr. replaced by a self checkout machine.…
Ford’s other daughter Kyra to rework the name of her shop, Swastika Sweets
ETOBICOKE – It’s been a week of changes for Ford family businesses with the pivot of KyKy Kookies to KyKy’s Cookies and Ice Cream and now, an apology and promise of change from Kyra Ford, o…
Burger King invokes prima nocta
MIAMI, FL – In a stunning turn of events late yesterday, his Royal Highness the Burger King publicly announced his invocation of the ancient doctrine of prima nocta. For the uninitiated, pr…
Companies outraged that workers are leaving minimum wage jobs before they can be replaced by robots
NEW YORK CITY – As more frontline workers opt to quit minimum wage jobs that could expose them to COVID, Company CEOs say they are furious that people would simply stay home and “cash…
