TORONTO – Three years after retiring its famed rewards system Canadian Tire, the retailer you go to for patio sets and Old Dutch potato chips, had announced they will bring back the system in crypto form.
“Customers loved getting an absurd quantity of low denomination bills every time they checked out,” said Canadian Tire spokesperson Amanda Desmond. “And they’re going to love getting a USB drive with untraceable Canadian Tire bucks even more!”
“It all reflects what Canadian Tire has always been about: quality goods at quality prices, fused into the blockchain and stored in a decentralized network of computers in order to synergize the inefficiencies of traditional currencies by usurping their role in online transactions.”
At check out customers will have to wait just a few hours as a retail associate carefully programs their flash drive with the right amount of Crypto Canadian Tire Dollars (aka SandyCoin). The flash drive will be ice cold, so consumers are encouraged to bring oven gloves or winter mittens to handle it.
Each flash drive will feature an image of ‘the thrifty Scotsman’: Sandy McTire as a fun nostalgic throwback. As a nod to both the good old days and a tip of the hat to where basically all crypto will be a in a few years: SandyCoin will be essentially worthless.
In related news, defunct retail chain Zellers announced that, though they remain closed, you now bid on an NFT that depicts a photo of one of their in-store restaurants. Bidding starts at $25 million CAD, or 8 billion SandyCoin.