Orangeville, ON – An entire generation is reveling in its sexual awakening, thanks to Jack Black’s wet, hot hit, “Peaches” from the Super Mario Bros. Movie. In the film, Black plays Bowser, a Koo…
Diversity hire? Golf Town recruits white guy with ADHD
Barrie, ON – In a stunning move toward equity, diversity and inclusion, Golf Town hired Adam Grunt, a straight, white man with ADHD, to manage its Barrie location. “As a marginalized person, this…
How to enjoy “unseasonably warm” days without dreading inevitable doom
Ottawa, ON — As spring unfolds with unprecedented warmth, Canadians might wonder how they can enjoy nice weather, while also understanding it’s a sign that our climate is hurling toward uninhabit…
Last shred of joy taxed 6.3% more
OTTAWA – The federal government has announced a new 6.3% tax on beer, wine, and all other alcoholic spirits that represent the last fragment of happiness in your otherwise pointless existen…
McDonald’s releases Big Mac Sauce-flavoured lube
Brantford, ON – McDonald’s just announced the release of its new Big Mac sauce-flavoured personal lubricant. Following the success of the Chicken Big Mac and Big Mac sauce dip, the fast-food gian…
Good night’s sleep allows woman to be more present in her shitty life
HAMILTON, ON – The secret to being fully present in your miserable existence? Local life coach, June Funda, says it’s all about prioritizing a good night’s sleep. “It’s hard to focus on how ever…
How to Live, Laugh, Love when you want to Leave, Laze and Loathe
OTTAWA – Don’t feel like living, laughing or loving? You’re not alone. Despite the barrage of well-meaning mugs, throw pillows and rustic signs, StatsCan says 87% of Canadians would much rather l…
Ketchup Caesar named Canada’s inflation cocktail
LEAMINGTON, ON – As budgets tighten, ketchup has stepped up once again for the everyman. To say thanks, the Ketchup Caesar was just named Canada’s official inflation cocktail by the Professional …
Restaurants add option to tip server’s entire salary
TORONTO – In a bold new move, restaurants are adding the option to tip your server’s whole salary. After successful tipping increases to 20% and even 30%, business owners decided to keep it going…
BREAKING: Jesus seeks new brand management
GOLGOTHA – After a tumultuous, decades-long relationship with Evangelical Christians, Jesus H. Christ finally announced He is seeking bids for new brand management. The announcement arrived…