SANTA CLARITA, CA – Cruise companies across the world have begun offering passengers a choice between the default norovirus infection typically received aboard ship and an upgrade to a higher-end…
U.S. government shutdown forces border agents to cage children without pay
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The ongoing shutdown of the U.S. government has caused significant financial strain for the nation’s border patrol agents, who still have not been compensated for their v…
Psychopath still wishing everyone Happy New Year
HAMILTON – Although it is now well into January, local maniac Andy Gerhard is still going around wishing people a “Happy New Year.” “It came up completely out of the blue,” said Gerha…
KitchenAid’s new abduction oven rapidly cooks, steals your meal
BENTON HARBOUR, MI – Appliance manufacturer KitchenAid has complemented its lineup of induction and convection products with a state-of-the-art abduction oven that briskly prepares and then kidna…
Ex-White House aide wishes he hadn’t recorded over all his Trump tapes
WASHINGTON – Recently fired White House aide Marvin Gao is beating himself up for recording over all the secret tapes he made of President Donald J. Trump. “It wasn’t just [former assistant to th…
Kaiju nutritionists now recommend low-car diet
TOKYO – Scientists at the University of Tokyo specializing in giant monster nutrition have released a study on the merits of a diet low in cars. “We’ve found a concerning correlation between obes…
Nothing strange about Bermuda Triangle, reports man who died there sixty years ago
DALLAS, TX – There is nothing mysterious or supernatural about the Bermuda Triangle, reports Bill Ketterle, a US pilot who perished there in a plane crash in 1957. “Look, I know there are m…
Leaked Ontario election poll shows Ontarians ranked dead last
TORONTO – A newly leaked poll from EKOS research shows that Ontarians are poised to be the losers in the upcoming provincial election. “The popular vote is deadlocked between the NDP and th…
John Bolton asks Mueller to indict Trump already so he can start a war
WASHINGTON, DC – Newly-appointed US National Security Advisor John Bolton has contacted the office of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, demanding charges be levelled against Donald Trump already so…
Local arsonist has nagging feeling he forgot to turn stove on
WINKLER, MB – Already half an hour away from home, local arsonist Cole Agassi has remembered that he may have accidentally left the stove off. “Ok, so, I know I kicked through the screen do…