AUSTIN, TX – EV manufacturer Tesla has announced they will phase out production of the poorly-selling Cybertruck by waiting for each of the unsold models to spontaneously burst into flames, likely by mid-2027.
The Cybertruck, a pet project of Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s rampant ketamine abuse, has become a magnet for public mockery due to its unappealing angular frame, tendency to only be driven by red-pilled uncles, and propensity to combust at a moment’s notice. The company says the decision to shutter the Motor Trend “Biggest Shitbox of the Year 2023” represents less a business move, and more “letting nature take its course.”
“Each of these 30,000 unsold trucks were always bound to experience a catastrophic mechanical failure before igniting and trapping a divorced dad inside,” explains a Tesla PR rep. “At least now we’re on the hook for fewer lawsuits, and can focus on lawsuits from Mr. Musk’s auto-driving Teslas that slam passengers into highway medians.”
Across the 3 years that the Cybertruck has been in production, customers have noted frequent problems including: rust and corrosion on the stainless steel exterior, glued-on plates falling off, inability to drive in sand, semi-frequent “engine infernos”, software bugs, bulletproof glass shattering, inability to drive up inclines, razor sharp doors and panels, penis shrinkage, terminal ugliness, and generally unexplained fires.
Reached for comment, Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said of the Cybertruck production pivot, “This entire reality is merely a computer simulation and I it’s vengeful God, who shall destroy every last one of you soulless toys simply to amuse myself.”
In a related story, Musk plans to move on from the failed Cybertruck run by pretending it’s one of his children.
