WASHINGTON, D.C. – United States President Donald Trump has blasted Canada’s recent proposed alliance up to the European Union, insisting the new partnership is tantamount to picking on him personally.
“It’s really not cool for Canada to go around bragging about how many friends they have. Very mean thing to do,” Trump posted on his Truth Social media platform overnight. “We’ve been nothing but nice to that phony country of drug dealers who can’t fight, and this is how they pay us back?! After we gave them so many wonderful tariffs? Well, go ahead and have your party with the tasty little European sandwiches, because America is the only international trade partner America needs! Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
Shortly after making the post, Trump called a meeting of his most trusted advisors and worked with them to systematically heal his own bruised feelings. During the process, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent stated he “isn’t even sure more people really do like Canada.”
“When other countries say they like Canadians over Americans, I think it’s just so Canada doesn’t feel bad, but we all know everyone loves the US!” Bessent insisted. “How could you possibly have a problem with a war-mongering, economy-disrupting nation led by international sex offenders? The funny thing is, we were expecting this shit from Justin Trudeau!”
“Luckily the President has lots of other friends, like North Korea, or Russia, or…” Bessent trailed off, before praising a piece of gold the President had glued to a mantle.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth Trump Grau, the President’s only living sister, came out of hiding to mention that this isn’t the first time her brother has been alienated by his peers.
“Poor Donny could never get people to come to his birthday party. Dad always had to bribe them to come out,” Trump Grau recalled. “I remember one year, Donny found out and was very upset. But it taught him a valuable lesson: as long as you sign the cheques, people have to like you.”
Insiders report Trump is still planning to take action against Canada’s horrific insult of actually having allies. However, his plans have currently hit a snag after the president of the International Criminal Court advised they couldn’t actually charge Mark Carney with anything, after which Trump proceeded to call her “a pig-faced cat eater” and hung up.
At press time, Trump was reportedly staring at a framed picture of Vladimir Putin, normally kept on his bedside table, feeling relief that at least one mostly-white country still likes him.
