OTTAWA – With CBC losing the rights to air Hockey Night In Canada, meaning fans must now pay to watch it on Rogers Sportsnet, the entirety of Canadian culture now consists solely of butter tarts, and comedic actor Eugene Levy.
“I’m not gonna lie: free, over-the-air Hockey Night In Canada was doing a lot of the heavy lifting for our national identity for a number of years now,” explains Professor Martin Langdown, of the University of Toronto’s Canadian Cultural Studies Dept.
“Tim Horton’s has long been owned by a Brazilian food conglomerate who’ve made the coffee undrinkable, plus over the past decade we lost two pivotal Gords. Now, we’re down to just butter tarts and Dan Levy’s dad.”
Langdown goes on to explain how, even though Canadians haven’t won a Stanley Cup since 1993, the universal ability to watch their teams choke in the finals was an important part of our collective experience. However, Rogers’ decision to place Hockey Night In Canada on a paid service sees their corporate greed ruin yet another piece of our shared cultural tapestry, including the Blue Jays, Maple Leafs, Citytv, most of Canada’s internet, and several airports as soon as Prime Minister Carney places them up for sale.
“Butter tarts and Mr. Levy are going to have their work cut out for them keeping this nation unified,” explains Langdown. “In previous years, threats like American aggression and Alberta separatism would be kept at bay by cultural touchstones like Degrassi, ketchup potato chips, and even the noble beaver. But now in 2026, these are the only two things left that all Canadian can agree on.”
At press time, Canadian culture suffered yet another blow with the discovery that Eugene Levy’s primary residence is in the Pacific Palisades neighborhood of Los Angeles.
