LAKE LOUISE – According to local sources, young campers are getting some seriously bad vibes from fellow camper Lucas Cohen thanks to his mollycoddling mom insisting that he stay safe.
“Lucas’s mom is all ‘Make sure to wear a lifejacket, make sure not to go too far from shore, blah, blah, blah,’” another camper said. “Why not just say ‘Make sure you grow up to be a huge pussy?’”
While the remote campground is located near an isolated community who distrusts outsiders and is built on ground long-rumoured to be haunted, employees insist that Lucas and the other campers are all perfectly safe.
“I keep having to reassure Mrs. Cohen that we’re not going to let her kid drown,” one councillor said. “Yes, a kid drowned last year because the lifeguards were busy having sex. And yes, the year before that, a kid drowned because the lifeguards were busy having sex. But this year’s lifeguards are ugly and surly, so the odds of it happening again are slim. I guess she just doesn’t understand statistics.”
The overprotective Mrs. Cohen, however, takes umbrage with some of the many fun activities the camp has planned, including canoe tipping, bear teasing, mushroom roulette, and duelling.
“I wish Lucas’s father hadn’t signed him up for this stupid camp,” the pampering Mrs. Cohen told reporters. “Just because he went to Camp Slaughter Pines and had fun at some machete juggling class back in the day, that doesn’t mean everyone has to do it.”
While Lucas couldn’t be reached for comment, as he was already engaged in the camp’s cherished tradition of playing beehive baseball, campers who had gotten to know him were willing to weigh in.
“It’s pretty embarrassing for him, to be honest,” one of Lucas’s bunkmates said. “Okay, maybe someone that clumsy shouldn’t have signed up for tomorrow’s arrow dodging activity, but it’s not like he’s going to suffer an untimely death and become an unstoppable force of supernatural vengeance. I’m glad my mom is cool.”
At press time, Mrs. Cohen was practically suffocating her son by ensuring he had his asthma inhaler.
