LONDON, ON – During an election campaign stop Prime Minister Justin Trudeau faced anti-vaccine protestors who hurled rocks, namely because they lack the intelligence and evolutionary capabilities necessary to use Bronze Age tools.
“The rocks were thrown at the PM by a pack of loud, hooting protestors,” explained a Trudeau spokesperson. “We’re lucky these anti-vax individuals had not yet developed the cranial capacity to smelt tools out of bronze, or even copper. Otherwise the PM might have been in serious danger.”
Eyewitnesses report Trudeau’s campaign stop was set upon by a nomadic group of anti-vaccine protestors, many of whom had fashioned crude implements and signs reading “VACCINES = WITCHCRAFT”, “LOCK TRUDEAU IN CAVE”, and “ME NO TRUST FIRE”.
While the primative anti-vax protestors yelled angrily at the Prime Minister, witnesses on the scene were unable to decipher their shoutings, mainly due to the lack of paleolinguistic language among the Neolithic society.
Experts suggest the anti-vaccine protestors may be organizing their efforts, likely using pictograms and symbols on the walls of their homes carved by hammerstones and stone chisels. One commonly shared pictogram depicts a human figure with a crown on his head, representing either Trudeau as a tyrant or some kind of fearsome primordial elk spirit.
Back on the campaign trail, Trudeau’s RCMP detail outlined plans to protect the PM from his Cro-Magnon detractors.
“Our officers have been instructed to keep on the lookout for any stone hand axes or pointed sticks,” explained staff sergeant Wayne Trumbull. “Also, if the anti-vaxxers get too rowdy, we have audio recordings of a mastodon that should frighten them off.”
“Or at least, what we assume mastodons sounded like. But who cares – these people will obviously believe anything,” Sgt. Trumbull added.
When asked about rumours that his own RCMP officers had displayed pre-Bronze Age sympathies of their own, Sgt. Trumbull added a terse “no comment” before grunting to a nearby officer.
