Hamilton, ON – Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning up against the side of his 1988 Pontiac Fiero GT telling passers by that he actually already had the vaccine that no new Ontarians are able to get.
“It’s a rare first-pressing vintage viral vector,” McEwen explained while displaying his left arm to the delivery person who brought his most recent eBay purchase. “I don’t like to take it out of its sleeve too often, but I knew you would want to check it out,” he added, as the driver continued to try and give him his package.
Although McEwen had complained bitterly about the flu-like side effects of the AstraZeneca-Oxford COVID-19 vaccine back when he first got it, in the time since it was retired from circulation he has taken to memorizing the names of the scientists who developed the vaccine. McEwen has announced imminent plans to recite these names to his barista.
Pubic health officials have repeatedly stated that the best vaccine to get is the first one you are offered and that all approved vaccines are effective, but McEwen is clear in his new preference: “Pfizer and Moderna are okay I guess, if you’re into mainstream vaccines.”
“I’ve been thinking about getting a glass case for my arm, just to display it properly and avoid damage so I keep the value up,” stated McEwen. “I’m gonna make all those Gen Z guys at work so jealous when they see me post about it on Facebook,” he added, referring to the social media site that none of his younger coworkers use.
As of press time McEwen had already updated his dating profile, adding the hashtag #TeamAZ below photos of his old 8 track player and betamax tapes.
