OTTAWA – Facing weak poll numbers and internal questions about his leadership, Erin O’Toole opened the 2021 Conservative Party Convention with a fiery speech resolving to be even less thoughtful and interesting.
“Canadians are making it clear that they don’t care for my ideas,” O’Toole said. “So I intend to have even fewer of them. You can’t hate what you don’t know, and I plan to make myself very unknown.”
“I look forward to appearing in television commercials where I say that having an economy is good before asking viewers to visit my website,” O’Toole continued. “In an exciting revamp, we’ve added a picture of myself wearing a shirt that says ‘Jobs’ above the donation link.”
When fielding a question about the Conservative vision for healthcare, O’Toole shrugged and said, “We’ll get mad at the Liberals a lot, unless they have any popular ideas, in which case I will tell voters ‘Yeah, we’ll just do that, but somehow we’ll be better at it.’” Asked to elaborate on how he would address concerns over rising drug costs, O’Toole said “How would you address them? Yeah, that’s what I thought, pal.”
In responding to a query on whether he felt Canada needed to take a larger role in a changing geopolitical landscape, O’Toole said “We haven’t definitely not considered what Canada’s place in the world shouldn’t perhaps be.” He then wowed the crowd by pointing at a picture of Trudeau and saying “This guy, am I right?” for eight minutes.
O’Toole concluded his speech by promising that Conservatives would continue to have a conflicted and inept stance on climate change. In response, some party insiders argued that Conservatives need to move forward by replacing O’Toole with an even less charismatic leader.
