TORONTO – 42-year-old Trey Martinez admits that after all these years, he still doesn’t understand exactly “what the hell [his] dad did as a career.” “It started back in grade 5 when my dad gave …
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Trudeau assures Canadians that airports will be fine once rampant inflation makes flying prohibitively expensive
OTTAWA – Seeking to ease Canadians fears that our airports are becoming chaotic hellscapes, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau promised that soon inflation will make travelling so expensive that…
Gary Bettman unveils route for this year’s ‘No Canadian Team Won The Cup’ victory parade
NEW YORK CITY – Smiling widely, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman showed reporters where the victory parade would be for his annual celebration of denying Canadian teams a Stanley Cup once agai…
Spouting off entire resume deemed acceptable response to “how’ve you been?”
TORONTO – As Canadians begin socializing in-person again, The Canadian Board of Acceptable Social Norms (CBASN) has added spouting off a detailed account of your entire resume, including re…
Canadian birders get their rocks off as horny birds return north to fuck
WOOD BUFFALO NATIONAL PARK, AB – Bird watchers are flocking to migratory hotspots across the country to witness the annual and literal fuckfest that is bird migration. “I’m not a pervert,” …
High gas prices putting damper on man’s plan to drive across Canada committing arson
VANCOUVER — As the travel season approaches, record-breaking gas prices are already putting the brakes on many Canadians’ summer plans. Including one Nathan McGee, 28, who may have to skip his an…
HBO celebrates 15 years of everyone insisting YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH THE WIRE!
NEW YORK – HBO is celebrating the twentieth anniversary of The Wire’s debut, and the fifteenth anniversary of people finding out that oh my god you haven’t seen The Wire? Like, any of it?? …
Strung out province comes crawling back to Dealer for another hit
TORONTO – After swearing they were done with him and everything he offers, the province of Ontario has come crawling back to its dealer for another taste. “Hey man! You holding any hi…
Ontario NDP, Liberals celebrate defeating each other
TORONTO – Ontario NDP Leader Andrea Horwath and Liberal Leader Steven Del Duca celebrated the defeat of each others parties in the 2022 Ontario election. As results were reported last night…
Coffee shop employee ominously begins setting up microphone
LETHBRIDGE – According to sources embedded in The Bean Machine, all of the coffee shop’s patrons groaned when they saw an employee open a cupboard and remove a microphone stand. “I figured she wa…
