Elon Musk as committed to Twitter takeover as he is to fatherhood - The Beaverton

Elon Musk as committed to Twitter takeover as he is to fatherhood

AUSTIN, TX – In a move that surprised no one paying attention, billionaire baby daddy has shown as much long term interest in as he does in his nine children (that we know of).

“The thought of owning Twitter and forcing my version of free speech on the world was exciting and made me feel young,” declared Musk in a statement. “But once the day to day reality of nurturing and caring for a company dawned on me, I just felt my freedom slipping away. And there’s nothing worse than me losing any freedom at all.”

“Honestly, like everything else in my life, I thought I could just throw some money at it, play with it a bit, and move on to something else. I certainly wasn’t looking for an enduring emotional bond.”

Rumours circulated that despite his intention to make Twitter a bastion of unlimited free speech the social media platform refused to sign an NDA covering all of Musk’s weird behaviour, causing him to back out of the deal.

Fanboys reacted by flooding Twitter with declarations that this was a “Total Alpha move,” “Paying $1 billion not to buy Twitter is 3D chess,” and “Please be my daddy, Elon. You can neglect me all you want.”

Meanwhile Musk was busy implementing his strategy of having all his children disown him so they never have to interfere in his life again, and Twitter itself was seen wandering the corridors of the corporate offices with tears in its eyes asking “Who is my owner?”