Surrey, B.C. – Claiming he was “wearing a gay shirt,” local bully Chad “Two Hits” Richler had resolved to give fellow grade 5 student Jimmy Hill the kind of beating that will one day serve as th...
Costly feasibility study determines city of Toronto should be scrapped
TORONTO – After performing an in-house audit and hiring several third party firms to a total cost of over $683 million, the City of Toronto has determined it is too expensive to continue and sho...
Scientists discover new species of superintelligent pig is even tastier
VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia (UBC) have discovered that a newly-engineered species of pig with superhuman intelligence and empathy tastes ‘incredible’. “At first...
Otherwise compassionate man willing to trample baby to get on subway
TORONTO – Despite describing himself as a generally caring and empathic person, local man Derek Li is fully willing to crush a human infant to death with his feet if it means catching his train....
Paul Calandra answers questions about Iraq with squash soup recipe
OTTAWA – Paul Calandra recited ingredients from his favourite squash soup recipe this morning after he was asked by NDP leader Tom Mulcair to give information about Canada’s deployment in ...
Improv show tolerated by all
CALGARY – Wednesday night’s instalment of the longform improv comedy show, Lazer Slacks, was universally praised as “alright”, “satisfactory”, and “about what I expected”, according to the quart...
4chan user threatens to release nude photos of mother if she cuts off allowance
REGINA – Following a threat to actress Emma Watson over her feminist speech to the UN, 4chan user BuchowskisDICK has gone on to threaten his own mother with a nude photo release should she follo...
MBA graduate can’t sew button on shirt
TORONTO – University of Toronto Rotman School of Management graduate Keith Bannister has never learned how to properly sew a button on his shirt. Bannister, 29, who views clothing as a means to ...
Undercover Mountie still on horse
VANCOUVER – Undercover RCMP officer, Michael Reynolds, has neglected to dismount prior to his infiltration of a dangerous drug ring in British Columbia. “This is one of the highest traffic drug ...
Conservative bill proposes refugee exchange program
OTTAWA – Conservative party insiders have reported the government will move forward with an addendum to Bill C-585, which will create a program to send Canadians to war torn countries around the...
