Lonely man goes out looking like shit to ensure he runs into at least 3 people he knows
TORONTO – Feeling a bit lonely and without community local man Marcus Bailey has decided to go for a walk while looking absolutely terrible to guarantee he runs into several friends and acq…
Danielle Smith decries Big Tech censorship after she forgets password for Swiss Chalet website
CALGARY – After claiming that Big Tech censored her facebook account with little evidence Alberta Premier Danielle Smith is now claiming that they have gone a step further and cut off her a…
Atlantic Canadians finally learn the secret ingredient in Chris Brothers pepperoni: Chris’s Brother
HALIFAX – The Atlantic provinces are abuzz at the news that the region’s favourite deli, Chris Brothers, has finally revealed the secret to its famed pepperoni: Chris’s brother. Speaking fr…
New Netflix prompt invites users to log into The Pirate Bay every 31 days
TORONTO – Amid ongoing crackdowns on password sharing, Netflix executives have announced they will be rolling out a new prompt inviting users to log into popular torrenting site “The Pirate…
[Team] wins Stanley Cup
NORTH AMERICAN CITY – After a hard-fought series that went [number] games, the Stanley Cup has been awarded to [team], a victory by the [favourites/underdogs] that many analysts [predicted/failed…
“I’ll probably be shot before I graduate” replaces “my dog ate it” as #1 American homework excuse
WASHINGTON, DC ― According to reports from teachers in dozens of states, the classic excuse “my dog ate it” has been displaced in favour of citing the futility of studying for a life that will be…
Trudeau announces that David Johnston to be replaced by Xi Jinping
OTTAWA – Amid backlash against the appointment of former Governor General David Johnston as special rapporteur on foreign election interference which resulted in his resignation, Prime Minister T…
Forest fires across Canada kick off annual Dystopian Hellscape season
QUEBEC CITY – From orange skies at midday and the hacking cough of ash-filled lungs, to hectares of scorched forest and the eerie lingering odour of “downtown ghost campfire,” the familiar …
Sport about to be passed in popularity by world’s 5th best soccer league sees no reason to change
NEW YORK CITY – The NHL, a league who will soon make less money and attract fewer eyeballs than the propreantepenultimate name in soccer, the MLS, announced they will make no significant ch…
