WASHINGTON D.C. – After completing several high profile missions on behalf of President Donald J. Trump, Vice President JD Vance has begun working up the courage to ask if he can finally be given the chance to fuck the nation’s top couch.
In the wake of President Trump’s foray into war with Iran and deployment of his vice president to try to mediate peace, followed by ordering Vance to campaign in Hungary for autocratic President Viktor Orbán and then defending Trump in a high profile disagreement against the Catholic Pope, the VP reportedly believes his time has finally come.
“Mr. President, over the past month I have demonstrated absolute loyalty to you and your agenda. I have served as your dedicated agent against the overwhelming tide of opposition and steadfastly remained your devoted servant. Through thick and thin, I march as your standard-bearer, your majordomo, your foot soldier,” Vance rehearsed in the staff bathroom mirror at his Naval Observatory residence, “and that is why I have merited, nay earned, the right to finally be permitted to make love to your plump, alabaster sofa.”
Sources confirm that Vance has had his eye on the supple leather creases of the soft, white three-seater since long before Trump assumed office for the second time. Since first hearing that the couch yet remains unsullied by the caresses of a man who knows how to treat it right, Vance had become determined to one day make it his own.
Others, however, remain concerned about the level of obsession on display. Noting that Vance is a diagnosed Sex Addict (short for Sectional Addict), staff are aware that even the promise of an old Crate and Barrel catalogue is enough to persuade Vance to act against his better judgments. By some accounts, Vance has a button installed in his desk which will summon staffers to immediately assemble a new IKEA couch and then to immediately leave the room.
“It is truly my forbidden fruit,” Vance wrote in his diary about, let us be clear, an inanimate sofa, “Why must it taunt me every time I set foot in his office. Each time I am left to wonder if my supplication will finally be enough for the President to leave me alone for perhaps five minutes. Certainly enough time for me to dim the lights, rustle off my silk undergarments, and slide my penis betwixt its lotioned cushions.”
Members of Vance’s staff have reported an increase in Vance’s responsiveness to Trump’s increasingly incessant demands, likely motivated by how close he believes he has become to deflowering the furniture. Indeed, some aides who speak under anonymity agree that the Vice President has even agreed to perform tasks well beneath his station for fear that Trump may instead grant the prima nocta supellex to some other lackey first.
“She is mine! Mine!” Vance shouted in a moment of unrestrained and frustrated lust following the latest unsuccessful round of negotiations, “why must you taunt me, you seductress?! You plush camelback siren! You jute webbed succubus!”
Yet, despite seemingly losing restraint at endless waiting for his chance to fuck a couch, officials attest that Vance is still capable of performing his duties so long as he is given 16 minutes a day with an ottoman in the Lincoln Bedroom.
At press time, President Donald Trump ordered Secretary of State Marco Rubio to have sex with the Oval Office sofa in order to make JD Vance watch.
