VAUGHAN – After Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced on Tuesday that he would give an additional six billion dollars to the provinces for housing as long as they allow fourplexes to be built, Ontario premier Doug Ford doubled down on his previous refusal to build the four unit structures until someone tells him exactly what they are.
“Folks, I’m a reasonable man,” he said in a press conference Wednesday morning, “who just wants reasonable things for my province—like the answer to what a fourplex is and why my old white suburban constituents are so afraid of them.”
“I can’t in good conscience tell my rich developer buddies to build these darn things until someone can tell me the basics: how many floors do they have? I know it says “four” in the name, but that seems like a trick. And how many scary low income people can fit inside them? Do they have windows, or just graffiti sprayed on the outside that says ‘The people who live here will rob you?’ These buildings are a mystery.”
“Anyway, whatever these fourplexes truly are, I know Ontarians would rather have the satisfaction of telling Justin Trudeau to go fuck himself than live inside one.”
An anonymous staffer for the premier confided that Ford had recently asked her to draw him a picture of a fourplex in the hopes that he’d one day understand how they worked, but that he’d quickly become confused by the drawing.
“Mr. Ford just pointed at my picture and said, ‘But that just looks like a regular old house, not some scary, looming tower symbolizing the destruction of everything my voter base holds dear,’” the staffer said. “He looked so confused that I almost felt sorry for him, but then I remembered that I’ll never own a house, so I didn’t.”
At press time, Ford had publicly challenged Trudeau on Twitter to convince him that the word “fourplex” was in the dictionary.
