OTTAWA – After posing as a fake Canadian Forces soldier, DND and Veterans Affairs have decided the impostor’s punishment should be to endure the poor treatment they inflict on a real Canadian ve...
Everything fixed after Canadian forces in Iraq for 2 months
BAGHDAD – Despite worries from opposition leaders and high-ranking military officers that the mission would spiral well beyond its initial timeframe, the presence of Canadian special forces and ...
MPs reassure female staffers with playful open-handed pat on the behind
OTTAWA – Following sexual harassment allegations against two Liberal MPs and subsequent questions over the House of Commons’ lack of protocol to deal with them, male MPs made sure to reassure th...
Forbes names Putin ‘World’s Most Powerful Fuckface’
NEW YORK – Thanks to a year of swaggering, unapologetic dickheaded-ness, Forbes magazine has named Vladimir Putin as the World’s Most Powerful Fuckface for the 2nd year in a row. “Whether one is...
CRTC bans 30-day internet cancellation notice after 4 hour argument with Rogers tech support
OTTAWA – Following an aggravating conversation with representatives from the leading internet, TV, and cellphone provider, the CTRC has decided to ban the required 30-day notice period for switc...
Only high school football player without concussion clearly not trying hard enough
CHATHAM, ON – While his high school team made the playoffs, a grade 11 linebacker has shown little effort in scoring a concussion this season. 16 year-old Chad Donaldson has repeatedly missed op...
Man who has never been to independent bookstore furious over its closing
VICTORIA, B.C. – Local man Stephen Dewitt is reportedly furious over the closing of independent bookstore ‘Moby Dickens’ despite having never financially supported the business in any form. “Oh ...
White guy at party doesn’t need blackface to prove he’s racist
ST. CATHARINES – A local Caucasian man feels no need to make an effort by wearing blackface at a costume party to prove that he is a bigot. “What a bunch of amateurs,” Daniel Ivor, 21, muttered ...
Bank of Canada Governor asks unemployed youth if they’ve considered serfdom
OTTAWA – With youth unemployment skyrocketing across Canada, Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz is recommending that young people consider the ancient feudal status of serfdom to boost their career...
Stock market soars after banking cartel promises to keep pretending economy is real
Investors poured cash into the markets as central bank leaders from around the world met this week and announced that they would continue to maintain the illusion that the economic system was somethin...
