TORONTO – Toronto resident Peter Behrendt was in for a completely predictable surprise this Sunday when he, for the 11th year in a row, bought a litre of eggnog, had a sip, and then immediately spat i...
Sony Records releases Favorite Family Fights of the Holidays CD
NEW YORK — Just in time for the Holidays, Sony Records has released a special edition, limited time offer CD set of your Favorite Family Fights of the Holidays. With over 100 fights to listen to...
Rescue workers untangle Ralph Goodale from giant ball of Christmas lights
OTTAWA — Rescue workers rushed to Parliament Hill earlier today after Minister of Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness Ralph Goodale managed to entangle himself in a giant ball of Christmas lights...
Public Service Orientation for new employees to phase out hazing rituals
OTTAWA — The organization responsible for Canada’s Public Service has announced that it will no longer require new civil servants to be initiated through humiliating forms of abuse and harassmen...
Local jerk incorrectly assumes he has social anxiety
TORONTO – Local mean man Richard Busby has for years mistaken the genuine reactions to his cruel behaviour as negative thoughts triggered by social anxiety. “It’s tough,” Busby lamented as he chewed a...
Pine tree sacrificed to Christian gods
CHRISTENDOM – As part of a millennia long religious practice, pine trees around the globe have been murdered and offered as sacrifice to please the three Christian Gods and their prophet, Santa...
Local killjoy has realistic expectations for new Star Wars
TORONTO – After witnessing a myriad of kickass promotional materials and entire seconds of new footage in the latest trailer, area man Matthew Gertz is still refusing to express hyperbolic excit...
Company cuts costs by holding Christmas party in vacant bus shelter
MONTREAL — A local PR company opted for a thrifty locale to host their annual Christmas party this year — the vacant bus shelter across the street from the office building. With budget cuts and an eco...
Ben Carson calls for submarines to be stationed along entire U.S. Canadian border
LAS VEGAS – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has publicly demanded that the US-Canadian border be secured by stationing US Navy submarines along its entire stretch. “We need to demonst...
Tipsy Kathleen Wynne urges grocery store shoppers to take off clothes, “get weird”
TORONTO – Appearing at a downtown Toronto grocery store selling beer for the first time since the province privatized sales, a visibly intoxicated Kathleen Wynne urged shoppers to join her in disrobin...
