Report: dime still not subway token

TORONTO – Despite being certain that he had finally found the missing subway token in his jacket pocket, local man Ryan Malan discovered it was, yet again, nothing but a dime. “I looked in …

Police unearth extended metaphor for student debt near York U Campus

TORONTO – An underground emblem for university arrears and the difficulty of paying them off has been discovered near the Rexall Centre at York University. According to authorities, the symbol is…

Government asks child pornographers to hold off until they balance budget

OTTAWA – In light of the $10 million in cuts to the RCMP’s anti-child pornography agenda, the Conservative government is asking pedophiles to lay off for a bit while they balance the books.…

Ezra Levant says key to new network’s success will be keeping cats out of living room

Since the downfall of The Sun News Network, conservative commentator Ezra Levant has announced that he will launch The Rebel, an online media network, from his living room as soon as he can get h…

Strip searches allowed in Quebec schools so long as staff respectfully compliment students’ sexiness

Following a report in a Montréal newspaper about a 15-year-old who was searched for drugs, Quebec Education Minister Yves Bolduc has said high school staff are permitted to strip-search students,…

RCMP arrest radical eco-terrorists planting trees 50 km from pipeline

PRINCE GEORGE – RCMP have arrested seven radicalized eco-terrorists in connection to a plot to plant trees near an oil sands pipeline. The trees were said to pose as a barricade to future p…

Feds: Lululemon pants banned at citizenship ceremonies, hides women’s true shape

OTTAWA – Citizenship Minister Chris Alexander has declared all women wearing Lululemon pants will be prohibited from taking their citizenship oath stating that the pants clearly cover up th…

Local politician apologizes for arachnophobic slur

OSHAWA, ON – After a firestorm of controversy erupted around her use of the phrase ‘creepy-crawly’ last week, local MP Pauline Douglas has apologized for her arthropodist remarks. “I did no…

Edward Snowden sick of Vladimir Putin just wanting to hang out all the time

MOSCOW – According to sources, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is getting sick and tired of having to spend much of his day “chilling” with Russian President, Vladimir Putin. Snowden, who …

MADD to text drivers about the dangers of drinking and driving

OAKVILLE – Mothers Against Drunk Driving are reminding Canadians not to drink and drive by sending them a text message while they’re driving. “We think this is a great initiative to raise f…