WASHINGTON – Speaking to congress about what shape the country is in and what his plans are for the coming year, President Obama spent the first fifty-eight minutes of last night’s address hunched over the podium, sighing into the microphone.
“My fellow Americans,” said the President, first elected on a platform of hope. “Hhhuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhk.”
Experts point out that the sigh really seems to have taken on a life of its own around the 10-minute mark, and that from there, it ran a remarkable gamut from tired to angry to disappointed, all the way down to despairing and utterly despairing.
“At this stage in their presidency, presidents are thinking about their legacy,” said historian Clark Schmidt. “And I think this speech did a great job of examining the overarching themes of the last eight years.”
While the speech lacked much of Obama’s signature lofty rhetoric, defenders say it was one of his most heartfelt addresses. Voices from the right wing, however, aren’t convinced.
“I can sigh way better than that, 200 percent,” said presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “HhhhhhAAAAAUUUUUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHA.”
Obama did speak for an additional forty-five seconds after the sigh, touching on subjects like income inequality, immigration, and gun violence, but experts say the speech was ‘front-loaded’ with meaningful information.
“Obama is a man who knows the system is too corrupt to fix itself, and that the only way to bring about change is to expand the president’s powers: powers that might then be handed to the likes of Trump and Cruz,” said Schmidt. “That he was able to express all this with just some rattling noises from his glottis and diaphragm speaks to his powers as an orator.”
At press time, Jeb Bush began his speech on the state of his candidacy with a thirty-six minute shrug.
