EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Marlaina Smith has announced that Trans kids under the age of 15 will not be allowed to use the name of their choosing without parental consent. “Demanding every...
Checks out! Weird guy owns lizard
LINDSAY, ON – In an extremely foreseeable but nonetheless upsetting chain of events, 29-year-old Dan Wilson, a man who can only be described as “weird as hell”, has revealed himself to be the pr...
Mom successfully convinced ashtray is for guest use only
WINDSOR — Crisis was averted over the weekend when local cashier Jennifer Pratt successfully convinced her mother that the ashtray in her living room is for guest use only. “Usually I’m meticulous abo...
Calgary discards plastic bag bylaw after single use
CALGARY – Just days after voting in a new mandate against single-use items, Calgary’s City Council has voted to scrap the entire bylaw immediately after the first time it was used. On Tuesday an...
Report: New girlfriend excited to use your relationship for TikTok content
MONTREAL – After extensively researching and logging the online activity and social media history of your new girlfriend Melanie, scientists at the University of McGill have concluded that there...
International Court of Justice rules that Israel must bomb civilians more humanely
THE HAGUE – In a preliminary ruling on South Africa v. Israel, the International Court of Justice has decreed that Israel must bomb civilians in the Gaza Strip with more care and compassion. “While I...
CRA in blind panic after someone completes tax return in January
OTTAWA – The Canadian Revenue Agency is reportedly in a state of total meltdown after receiving a complete tax report in the first few weeks of the new year. “I have no idea how the fuck this ha...
6 long winter coats that say “I’m definitely wearing pajamas under here”
Winter is full of small joys – like sipping hot chocolate by the fire, looking at twinkly Christmas lights, and stomping all over snow forts that children spent hours building. But the absolute best t...
Court rules convoy must return to Ottawa after finding Emergencies Act unreasonable
OTTAWA – Following the ruling that the Liberal government’s 2022 use of the Emergencies Act was unreasonable, a Federal judge has ordered that all convoy protestors be welcomed back to Ott...
Previously retired CanadARM bagging groceries to make ends meet
REGINA, SK – Due to rising food prices, inflation, and the general cost of living, the formerly-retired CanadaARM1 has rejoined the workforce by taking on a part-time job at Loblaws. “A lot of s...
