WINNIPEG – Aspiring suicide bomber William Pettinger is expressing frustration at his inability to live out his dreams due to ongoing frustrations with Air Canada. “I would love nothing more tha...
Allure of handsome American traveller evaporates when he refers to toque as “beanie”
TORONTO — Jane Pryce’s near hook-up with attractive American tourist Zach Greer was narrowly averted when he unselfconsciously referred to his toque as a “beanie.” The twenty-seven year-old found hers...
“The wisest people are those that admit when they are wrong,” says man ready to acknowledge that William Nylander is good
TORONTO – Local man Mark Williamson has found the courage within himself to admit that, despite his previous claims, William Nylander is actually one of the best players on the Maple Leafs. R...
Board game night becomes debate night
EDMONTON – According to local sources, a board game night at Kevin Telford’s house has evolved into a bitter debate on the fundamental nature of knowledge and the righteousness of following unjust law...
NHL creates audience for its new NFTs by banning helmets
NEW YORK – In addition to unveiling its own line of official NFTs, the National Hockey League has announced plans to attract player investment by phasing out protective helmets. “We’re encouraging pl...
Spoon found on counter probably clean enough
NORTH BAY – Nathan Pike who lives alone discovered a spoon on his counter and decided it was clean enough to use. Pike then plunged the spoon into a container of sugar to grab a half scoop, stir...
How to protest mass slaughter without inconveniencing anyone
As Israel continues to bombard Gaza, causing the deaths of thousands of civilians, you may be wondering how to properly protest without causing a huge scene or bothering people just trying to enjoy a ...
Las Vegas residents concerned as The Sphere begins to open
LAS VEGAS – Nevada citizens have reported worrying, as earlier today the entertainment and arts venue known as The Sphere reportedly began opening at the top, and is continuing at a gradual pace...
Media promise to start covering Pierre Poilievre’s transphobic comments as soon as they finish 50th story on how Liberals are unpopular
OTTAWA – In the wake of Pierre Poilievre condemning “radical gender ideology” at an event in Richmond Hill, Canadian newspapers, radio shows and evening news broadcasters swear they&...
Liberals explain why they’re so far behind in the polls
The federal liberals continue to flounder, with poll after poll finding that, if an election were held today, Pierre Poilievre and the Conservatives would secure a massive majority government. We aske...
