Harper visited by the ghosts of Canada Day past, present, and future

OTTAWA – Earlier today, Prime Minister Stephen Harper held a press conference to announce that he had been visited by the Canada Day spirits of past, present, and future as he tried to slee…

Greece fakes own death to get out of paying debt

GREECE – The IMF has been forced to swallow huge amounts of debt after it was discovered that all of Greece had mysteriously been killed by tragic falls, wine cask explosions, capsized boat…

Choose-your-own-adventure novelist dead at 30 or 87

Sudbury, ON or somewhere in the Amazon – Jack Farber, popular choose-your-own-adventure novelist, was found dead over the weekend, either alone in his bachelor apartment or in the Amazon wh…

Invasive homo sapiens species meet at forestry conference to discuss pine beetles

VANCOUVER – The world’s most destructive and invasive creature to its ecosystem, homo sapien sapiens, have convened a conference to discuss the spread of pine beetles. Certain members of th…

Shark attack kills three relevant news stories

VIRGINIA BEACH – A Great White Shark has taken the lives of three innocent, news-worthy stories yesterday in the US. The vicious assault on the three unsuspecting reports off the coast of V…

Dean Del Mastro to be stripped of citizenship as soon as a country agrees to take him in

OTTAWA — The prime minister’s office announced on Thursday that former Conservative MP and Harper spokesman Dean Del Mastro, who had just been sentenced to a month in jail for violating the Canad…

US makes peace with gay community to focus on war with black community

WASHINGTON – After a decades-long war, the United States has signed an armistice with the gay community, in order to better carry out its campaign against black Americans. “Fighting on two …

Wacky Orca delights kids with curved fin

NIAGARA FALLS, ON – With his dorsal fin deformed into a zany semicircle by the repetitive stress of swimming in small circles, Marineland’s new star Orca, Kitsak, has already brought …

Workplace injuries up 300% after implementing new ergonomic trampoline desks

TORONTO – Ace Marketing, a mid-sized advertising agency located in Toronto, has suffered a three-fold increase in workplace injuries after switching out their usual sitting desks for a Swed…

CP24 to begin broadcasting entirely without audio

TORONTO – Local broadcaster CP24 has announced that, beginning next week, it will air all broadcasts with no sound or noise of any kind. “We noticed in our audience research that the vast m…