‘Insure’ or ‘ensure’ makes citizens unsure

WHITEHORSE — An advisory sign use of ‘insure’ instead of ‘ensure’ has made citizens unsure and increasingly insecure. “At first I was cocksure it was ‘insure’ before the city decided to pro…

Carly Fiorina vows to end funding for Planned Parenthood baby BBQs

WASHINGTON – Currently polling at 2nd place in the Republican Primary race, Carly Fiorina vowed that if elected, she would personally end funding for Planned Parenthood’s “widely-known prac…

Maury leaders debate entertains studio audience

TORONTO — Last night on a special Canadian political episode of the Maury Povich Show, three men all claimed that they love Canada and know what’s best for it, but only one can win its hear…

Nestlé purchases full ownership rights to Mars water

WASHINGTON, DC – The Nestlé corporation announced today that it had already purchased full ownership rights to the water flowing underneath the surface of Mars, prior to NASA’s announcement…

Federal election campaign enters third geological age

OTTAWA – Two renowned Canadian geologists published a high-profile paper this morning finding that, with three weeks to Election Day, the 2015 federal campaign has officially outlasted two major …

September 28, 1972: Paul Henderson’s goal causes World War III

MOSCOW — Team Canada’s Paul Henderson’s game winning goal against the Soviet Union in the Summit Series has unleashed a nuclear apocalypse against the West. Immediately after Henderson reco…

Children drag kicking and screaming parents from cottage

GEORGIAN BAY, ON – The last cottage weekend for the Roberts family ended in utter turmoil, when the two Roberts children had to literally drag their parents out of the family cottage and to…

Student cut from high school musical ‘Oliver’ fulfills life-long promise to destroy the arts

OTTAWA — A former grade nine student has successfully carried out his vindictive wish in cutting arts programs across the country, a vow made in 1973 after he was cut from the lead role in …

Stephen Harper slips into fluent Mandarin during French debate

MONTREAL – During a question on the economy during last night’s french language debate Stephen Harper began speaking in sudden, perfect Mandarin for a few short sentences. “The Prime Minist…

As pope visits US, Canada welcomes lesser-known pope understudy

OTTAWA — While Pope Francis set off on his American tour in Washington, DC, this week, Canadians quietly welcomed a papal tour of their own from the Holy Father’s understudy, Underpope Stev…