Used mirror still has old owner’s reflection in it

DEER CREVICE, ON – Local woman Lauren Badami is considering returning a defective antique mirror she purchased that still reflects the cold, grey likeness of a man she assumes was its previ…

Irving lays off province of New Brunswick

SAINT JOHN, N.B. — At a press conference this morning J.D. Irving Ltd. announced that they were going to start “folding up operation” of the bilingual province of 751,171 people. “New Bruns…

Progressives applaud nation’s willingness to take powerful man seriously despite good looks

OTTAWA—Following the election of Justin Trudeau as Canada’s next Prime Minister, advocates for equality and civility in political discourse have congratulated Canadian voters for demonstrating th…

Local man no longer talking about job he’s “totally gonna get”

MONTREAL – A local man’s group of friends have grown suspicious of his silence on the topic of the job he was “totally gonna get”. A neighbourhood cafe where three men convene several times…

Justin Trudeau files 35 million workplace harassment complaints against Canada

OTTAWA – Less than one week after guiding his party to a surprise majority in the federal election, Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau has already filed 35 million workplace harassment compl…

Justin Trudeau returns to 24 Sussex to find his old crusty socks

OTTAWA — Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau had time to visit his old childhood homestead where he found his secret pair of old crusty socks. The pair of stained yellow Hanes socks wit…

KFC introduces bucket of chicken skins

LOUISVILLE – With a bold ad campaign featuring the slogan “Who are we even kidding anymore?” KFC introduced its new “Bucket of Skins” earlier this month, and it has instantly become an all-…

Gilles Duceppe quits Bloc leadership to seek Bloc leadership again

MONTREAL — Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe has announced his resignation so that he may seek a third term as Bloc Quebecois leader. “My friends, I take full responsibility for the part…

Victim of stolen unicycle files for identity theft

MONTREAL — Police issued a state of emergency last night when local “pretty chill guy” Trenton Brenner filed for identity theft shortly after the disappearance of his prized unicycle. Based…

Erotic novel really overestimates appeal of euphemism ‘porking’

CALGARY – Critics of Marie Montgomery’s latest erotic novel, Angela’s Awakening, have unanimously agreed that the book suffers from an overuse of the verb “porking” to describe the act of m…