FAIRFAX, VA – The National Rifle Association has issued a press release expressing its ‘sincerest regrets’ for the mass shooting that will, with ‘complete certainty,’ happen to...
Picnic ruined by being outside
THUNDER BAY — After three gruelling hours of tolerating such things as weather and plants, every member of the Terrence family has stated that their attempt at a picnic was ruined by the choice to hol...
Teens super stoked to survive summer abroad in Aztec death temple
MEXICO – With high school classes nationwide out for the summer, one group of Canadian teens is preparing to spend an exciting summer abroad in the most profane temple of Chalchiuhtotolin. “I am...
Lost: Last year’s Yukon River Quest team last seen paddling up Congo River
BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO – A Yukon River Quest team that failed to finish the 715 km canoe and kayak race was last spotted deep in the Congo-Chambeshi River system. The dishevelled team of four who le...
Hundreds of sick kids to be put down after Subban traded to Nashville
MONTREAL — Following the trade of Canadiens all-star defenceman and philanthropist PK Subban, the Montreal Children’s Hospital has announced Wednesday that it would not be able to keep its doors...
Financial capital of Canada pauses so streetcar driver can move tracks with big stick
TORONTO – The largest economic power in the nation came to a grinding halt this morning as Eddie, the streetcar operator, struggled to properly move the Dundas streetcar tracks using his large w...
Brexit aftermath: Norman immigrant harassed on bus
NORWICH, UK – A video of a man harassing a Norman immigrant on a bus has gone viral as part of a rise in xenophobic incidents following the UK’s vote to leave the European Union. “You fucking immigran...
Gregor Robertson’s jawline to receive Order of Canada
VANCOUVER – His Excellency the Right Honourable David Johnston, Governor General of Canada, announced today 69 new appointments to the Order of Canada. The new appointees include two Nobel prize winne...
Auston Matthews injured while putting on Leafs jersey
BUFFALO, NY – Auston Matthews, the Toronto Maple Leaf’s number one draft pick for the 2016 draft, has been injured while putting on his first personalized Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. “He’s suffe...
Skills from calligraphy degree applied on Starbucks cup
ST CATHARINES – Local Starbucks barista Janine Avalos has finally been able to put her four years of post-secondary education to good use by applying it to a variety of Starbucks disposable cups...
