New $25 skinny cable package to revolutionize way viewers switch to Netflix
TORONTO – Canadian broadcasters unveiled their ‘skinny’, Canadian-centric cable packages today, a move that the CRTC says will forever alter the way Canadians cancel their subscriptions. “T…
New Air B&E app lets you stay in other people’s unsecured homes
SAN FRANCISCO – A new online application is revolutionizing the hospitality industry by allowing users to stay in the homes of regular people who haven’t properly secured their property. “A…
I’m the only openly gay person
BY SAM SMITH, ACADEMY AWARD WINNING SINGER-SONGWRITER I’m completely speechless that the Academy would be so progressive with this award. It’s incredible to know that I’m standing here today as t…
Man at Tim Hortons still confident he will roll up exact amount of debt
TORONTO – Local man Greg Finks is still confident that today will be the day he rolls up the rim and sees the $24,673 he owes his bank, despite years of failed attempts and the fact that Ti…
Frantic DiCaprio asks coat check if anyone turned in a gold statue last night
HOLLYWOOD – After waking up well into the afternoon, Academy Award-winner Leonardo DiCaprio has spent the last hour on the phone with the coat check clerk from the Vanity Fair afterparty af…
McDonald’s new vegan quinoa tempeh salad less healthy than getting stabbed
HAMILTON – Ubiquitous fast food franchise McDonald’s has added the new Vegan Quinoa Tempeh Salad to their list of “health conscious” food options, which studies now say is worse for you the…
Office Oscar Pool just fucking demolished by Maureen from accounting
FREDERICTON – Reports are flooding in that the MacIntosh & Carter Law Offices informal Oscar pool was straight up annihilated last night by accounts payable manager Maureen Petrie, 52. …
What the fuck do you mean I don’t take constructive criticism well?
By: Shane Byron I can’t believe you would say something like that to me as though I’m some kind of crass moron that can’t take a well-reasoned opinion on my work performance. Unlike all of my oth…
Woman in job interview refers to pregnancy as ‘big lunch’
OAKVILLE—Sources confirm that throughout a job interview earlier today local woman Carol Miller continually referred to her six-month pregnancy as a hearty lunch unlikely to require her to take a…
Renaissance caveman can both hunt and gather
AFRICA, 1 MILLION YEARS AGO – The Tun clan, a tribe of early humans located in Africa’s Cradle of Humankind, were floored recently by the emerging abilities of a young cave-polymath named T…
