Mad scientist having trouble defending giant laser to grant application board

TORONTO – Despite its obvious practical uses, Dr. Vincent D. Ranged is experiencing some pushback from the grant board on his application for a giant laser. “Yes of course it’s essential fo…

$700,000 spent to honour famed gazebo-lover, Mordecai Richler

MONTREAL — Work has finally been completed on the gazebo located in Mount Royal park to honour late gazebo-lover Mordecai Richler. Richler ism of course, best known for cultivating the respect th…

Chateau Laurier expansion first national treasure to be revamped using Minecraft

OTTAWA – The historic Chateau Laurier Hotel is getting a much needed facelift with the help of Minecraft, a leader in architecture and design. The proposed revamp would see the 660,000 squa…

Meet the adorable cat responsible for the extinction of 3 bird species

Aurora, ON – In a quiet suburb outside of Toronto lives an adorable, gregarious, grey and white cat who greets everyone he meets with a nuzzle and a purr, and has managed to wipe out three …

Missing aunt found in vat of wine

NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ON — After an exhaustive two-week search, local bank manager and self-professed “world’s funnest aunt” Wendy Toolend was found in a 20,000 gallon vat of wine alive and …

SCOTUS rules hunting humans a protected form of free expression

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States has found a law limiting the right of citizens to hunt people unconstitutional. “Unrestricted campaign spen…

3 survivors rescued from wreckage of HMS Terror

TERROR BAY, NT – Two years after the first ship from the failed 1845 Franklin expedition was discovered, researchers in Nunavut have found the wreckage of the HMS Terror, along with three s…

Friend starting PhD wildly overestimates your level of interest in dissertation proposal

TORONTO – Local friend Alex Forrester made an enormously flawed judgment call about your level of interest in his PhD plans at last Saturday’s social gathering. The party was just picking up when…

Try Kellie Leitch’s Canadian Values Test for Immigrants

Conservative Party Leadership Candidate Kellie Leitch has proposed immigrants be screened for Canadian values prior to their arrival. Here’s an exclusive view of what the quiz will look lik…

Post resignation, Stephen Harper impersonator finds work as cadaver

CALGARY – Only a few weeks after Stephen Harper retired from his seat in Parliament, local lookalike Leonard Furlong has landed work as a lifeless corpse. “I knew he was leaving office and I was …