LCBO website hacked by Anonymous Alcoholics
TORONTO – The website of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, North America’s largest distributor of liquor and wine, was hacked last night by the notorious online group Anonymous Alcoholic…
Xbox Live player finally admits he didn’t fuck your mother
OSHAWA, ON — In an unexpected turn of events, Xbox Live user 420weedL0rd has admitted that he did not fuck your mother, despite earlier claims of having done so. Nearly three months after “…
Uncle just calling to say ‘how’s it going’, ‘9/11 was an inside job’
MARMORA, ON – After not having seen the family since Christmas, Uncle Dave has decided to just call and see what’s up, as well as remind you that he thinks 9/11 was perpetrated by the U.S. …
Tortoise agonizing over putting down pet human
CANBERRA — After 78 years of companionship, local tortoise Sally Lansdowne is debating whether to euthanize her ailing pet human, Phil. The Caucasian-breed homo sapien was adopted by Lansdo…
Syrian refugees successfully integrate into Canadian culture, already hate Toronto
TORONTO – A group of Syrian refugees are being lauded for assimilating so quickly into Canadian culture after they immediately identified and lambasted all of the things that suck about Tor…
Taxi protest delays commuters just long enough to download Uber app
TORONTO – A protest by taxi-cab drivers against Uber’s infringement on their business caused gridlock on the Gardiner, Lakeshore and Queen Street, giving commuters just enough time to downl…
Neil Peart to retire in three months after completion of current drum solo
TORONTO – Famed drummer Neil Peart has stunned the music world by announcing that he is set to retire in approximately three months, just as soon as he finishes his current drum solo. Peart, a fo…
Conservatives demand to know how Trudeau will pay for “human dignity” promised to Aboriginals
OTTAWA — Interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose and her MPs are demanding to know how the Liberal government will be able to afford treating indigenous people of Canada with human dignity…
New workplace stress training empowers employees to blame selves
Newmarket, ON — A new workplace stress management course at office supply distributor Nanco Dynamics will help ensure employees take responsibility for their stress rather than blaming a dy…