Baby shocked to learn its name is Wayne

WEYBURN, SK – As local infant Wayne Bender gained an increased sense of awareness of the world Thursday, he was startled to discover his name was, in fact, Wayne. What began as a thrilling …

Study: Yes you should become a DJ

KINGSTON – A recently published multidisciplinary research study at Queen’s University has concluded that yes, you should totally be a DJ. “We rated performance in a variety of categories, …

EDITORIAL: Just a heads up that Tommy is bringing a Chinese girl to Thanksgiving this year – by Aunt Pam

Hi all, it’s your Aunt Pam writing with the annual Thanksgiving instruction e-mail. I have some important news to tell everyone so please read this carefully. I just got off the phone with Nancy …

Blue Jays conspiracy theorists cling to “second thrower” theory

TORONTO – With police claiming to have identified the man who threw a beer can onto the field during Tuesday’s wild-card game, a vocal subset of fans insist there was an unidentified “secon…

PEI tabloid enters third straight week of Jack and Cheryl coverage

CHARLOTTETOWN – Prince Edward Island’s leading tabloid magazine The Tater has now entered its third consecutive week of in depth coverage on local couple Jack and Cheryl’s relationship. Res…

Scientists develop first Asian fusion reactor

TORONTO – For the first time ever, engineers at the University of Toronto have successfully built a scalable reactor capable of cold Asian fusion. “Make no mistake, this is the most importa…

St. Catharines to change name so people spell it right

ST. CATHARINES [sic] – The largest city in the Niagara peninsula has decided to change its name after realizing that the spelling of “St. Catharines” has been wrong for over two…

Subsidiary business mortified by antics of parent company

CALGARY – Emerging securities company LokTek announced in a press conference that their entire board of executives is completely embarrassed by the recent actions of their parent company, E…

BREAKING: Gas station bathroom will have to do

OUTSIDE BRANDON, MANITOBA – Late breaking reports from the TransCanada Highway indicate that, with all other conceivable options off the table, the men’s room of the Fast Gas N Go will have…

POINT/ COUNTERPOINT: There are too many ducks at this duck pond vs We are the Ducks

There are too many ducks at this duck pond By Agnes Underwood I’ve been coming down to the duck pond by Miller’s Park for 52 years now and it’s about time that I spoke out about something that’s …