Grey Cup cancelled due to lack of interest
TORONTO – Some CFL fans were disappointed to hear that the League has cancelled the championship game today due to apathy and lack of awareness. Low ticket sales, poor advertising, and Toro…
BREAKING: Minister of Fisheries inches way to top of mast as sharks circle his sinking vessel
INTERNATIONAL WATERS – With the lower decks taking on water and all his life rafts destroyed, Minister of Fisheries Dominic LeBlanc is climbing to the top of his ship’s mast in order to esc…
Canada sends another 100,000 military advisors to northern Iraq
OTTAWA – Insisting once again that Canadian forces in northern Iraq are only there to ‘advise and assist’, the government announced today they would be sending over another 100,000 of them.…
CEO hoping to sexually harass his way out of sexual harassment lawsuit
St-Hyacinthe, QC – Inside sources say that the CEO of Pullman’s Quality Meats, who is being sued by an employee for sexual harassment, is attempting to win the suit with an elaborate plan, …
Covert CIA plot to wait until Fidel Castro dies of old age successful
Langley, VA – A decades-long plot to get Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to pass away peacefully in his sleep has come to fruition, according to a statement from the CIA. “We are proud to annou…
Marineland rebrands by being cruel to all animals, not just whales
NIAGARA FALLS – Officials at Marineland are adopting a new strategy in branding by being cruel to all of the animals, rather than just the marine mammals. “The mistreatment of the orcas and…
75% of stuff in parents’ cupboards just things to make pooping easier
REGINA – A study conducted by scientists at the University of Regina has found that a full 75% of the items found in the nation’s parents’ cupboards serve the sole purpose of making the eva…
Gardiner fan “stoked to finally pay this sick highway what it deserves”
TORONTO – Self-proclaimed “Gardiner nut” Candace Matthews was thrilled when Toronto mayor John Tory proposed road tolls for her favourite highway earlier this week. “I always felt bad using…
Vancouver gang violence spikes as Aquabus, False Creek Ferry descend into turf war
VANCOUVER – Gang violence in the coastal city of Vancouver has risen sharply in recent weeks due to a turf war between two rival miniature ferry companies: False Creek Ferries and Aquabus. …
How To: Change A Lightswitch
Changing a lightswitch is pretty tricky stuff. The Beaverton How To is here to help with your weekly dose of educational content.…
