Moncton or Sydney – This is a high priority announcement to all Canadians. In a surprise that has floored the nation, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia are NOT the same place! The confusion can be f...
“I didn’t get that job because I have a dick!” says man who just is a dick
CALGARY – Local man Peter Johnson claims he was rejected from a job he applied for because he has a dick, when sources confirm that he is, in fact, simply a dick. “They’re discriminating against me fo...
Royal Family stands by photos, insists Kate Middleton has always had 3 hands
LONDON – In the wake of releasing a photo of Kate Middleton that many have accused of being photoshopped, Kensington Palace officials insist that picture is both recent and real, and that the Pr...
Edmonton family receives summons to appear on Family Feud Canada
EDMONTON – Like countless families across Canada before them, the Milbanks are the latest to open their mail and discover a summons, meaning that they are legally compelled to serve out their du...
Just for Laughs Festival files for bankruptcy protection just before jumping out of box wearing gorilla mask
MONTREAL – The world-renowned Montreal Just for Laughs comedy festival sadly announced this week that they would be seeking creditor protection before bursting out of a nearby cardboard box wearing a ...
Editorial: Five ways to use your huge bazongas as literal weapons in the Woke War, by the National Post
by The National Post You heard it here first, Canadians: the death of wokeness lies in a gorgeous set of organic, locally-sourced bazongas. We at The National Post have compiled a full list of militar...
Stardust pissed it’s now you
EARTH – After spending 13 billions years drifting across interstellar space, a speck of stardust is pissed that it’s now you – a nobody in the overall grand scheme of the universe. Before ...
Alberta to opt out of dental care, pharmacare, renewable energy, the wheel
EDMONTON – The Alberta government has announced its intention to opt out of Ottawa’s proposed public pharmacare program, curtail renewable energy projects, and “ditch the elitist wheel in favour of go...
What top NHL trade targets will cost the Leafs versus what they will cost every other team
The NHL trade deadline is fast approaching. And Beaverton sports has got you covered with the top available players, broken down by what they will cost 31 of the league’s teams, and then how muc...
A&W bottle of Frank’s Red Hot hanging on by a thread
MONTREAL – A local bottle of Frank’s Red Hot nested above the A&W garbage/napkin station appears as though it may shatter into dust with the subtle draft of a Teen burger being removed from ...
