St. John’s, NFLD– It’s a beautiful day full of sunshine and laughter and–Oh no! What’s that? It’s celebrity chef and TV personality Gordan Ramsay, and he’s crying into a dinner napkin because som…
Woman and Dog from “Alberta is Calling” ad airlifted from frozen cliff
WATERTON, AB – Hours after trekking up popular hiking location “Bear’s Hump” to film an advertisement for the “Alberta is Calling” relocation campaign, 28-year-old former Ontario resident Natalie…
Tesla clarifies not all of its cars have been recalled: “You can keep the exploded ones”
AUSTIN, TX –In an auto recall of unprecedented scale, the electric car maker Tesla is set to offer free updates for 2,000,000 cars in the US and Canada but insists this doesn’t mean that they’re …
Christian enjoys yet another day of not feeling unsafe because other Christians did crimes
Fredericton- Local Christian school administrator Fred McFinnigan woke up this morning, ate a hearty breakfast, and for the 15,344th consecutive day was not made to account for any criminal acts …
Tell us your fall Starbucks order, and we’ll tell you what kind of climate survivalist you’ll be
Leamington, ON– We all have our autumn rituals, and whether yours is drying off from the summer’s floods or cooling down from the summer’s forest fires, or both, The Beaverton has you covered. On…
Canadians celebrate summer with nationwide campfire
OTTAWA – In a stirring example of national togetherness, Canadians from all walks of life are planning to come together in the summer of 2023 to enjoy a massive nationwide campfire ranging from t…
Toronto’s affordable housing plan revealed to be stapling hammocks to the sides of new condos
TORONTO – Canada’s largest city released an updated affordable housing plan this morning, the highlight of which was a policy to make new condo developers staple two or three burlap hammocks to t…
Pitch clock resigns baseball players’ nutsacks to unscratched loneliness
Kansas City, MO – The arrival of the pitch clock and other measures to speed up the languid pace of professional baseball has created victims of baseball players’ scrotums, as the lack of customa…
Breaking: Your grieving mother definitely slept with Gordon Lightfoot
Leamington, ON – Your mother has been sitting silently on her porch running her fingers through the fabric of an old summer dress and listening to “Gord’s Gold” on repeat all week and, oh God, oh…
Hospitals dropping mask mandates tell patients to stay home if they feel unwell
HAMILTON – The McMaster University Children’s Hospital, along with several other facilities in Southwestern Ontario, announced today that they’re lifting their mask mandates, noting because…